


Overdrive

by xoelectric



Category: Blake Shelton (Musician), Gwen Stefani - Fandom, Gwen Stefani/Blake Shelton - Fandom, Shefani, The Voice (US) RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-24
Updated: 2016-10-08
Packaged: 2018-08-16 23:31:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 35,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8121814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xoelectric/pseuds/xoelectric
Summary: “I’m serious, Blake, this is still going to be really hard.”
“I’m serious, too, Gwen. And we’re going to get through this together."
Gwen telling Blake the story of a huge secret from her past that is finally catching up to her. Written as a series of flashbacks between past and present.





	1. Chapter 1

Anger. He seemed angry at her. Out of all the emotions or expressions Gwen was expecting as a result of having this conversation with Blake - the last thing she ever imagined was that he would get angry at her.

“I don’t know what you want me to say anymore,” Gwen said, defiantly, even though deep down she was hurting because of how he was reacting.

“I just want to know why - I want you to stop running away from this or brushing it off like it’s nothing! This is serious,” Blake replied, perhaps showing a bit more frustration than he meant to. 

“I’m not!” Gwen retorted immediately, even though she knew deep down on some level he was right. She did easily run away from things, and this was one of them. She had been running away from it for a huge part of her life. The past year had just been so incredible - after all of the crap she went through with her ex-husband, to finding Blake, and finally starting to be able to love someone again, it was just terrible that when she finally felt she had a chance at happiness, it was the time for it to catch up to her. 

The air around them felt tense as silence took hold. Gwen crossed her arms over herself, almost protectively, as she shifted and leaned her weight back against the kitchen counter and forced her gaze to the floor. She forced herself to focus on the intricate marble pattern in an attempt to distract her mind from getting upset. She didn’t want to cry. She knew she got emotional easily but she was determined to at least hold it off for now. 

After what felt like an eternity, Blake moved forward slowly, closing the distance between the two of them. He stood in front of her, and gently reached out to place his hands on top of her shoulders. Gwen’s face winced upon the contact, a look he knew all too well which meant she was trying to hold herself together. It was heartbreaking.

“I don’t know…” she said hoarsely, still forcing herself to keep her gaze concentrated on the marble, “I don’t know how to not run away from this.” The warmth of his hands on her bare shoulders was strangely calming, even though she felt a few tears run down her cheek. 

“Look at me,” Blake said, almost in a whisper.

“Not when you’re angry at me. I can’t take that right now, Blake.”

“Baby,” he breathed, taking a deep breath as his hands gently massaged her shoulders a bit. “I am NOT angry at you. I don’t think I could ever be truly angry at you.” He paused, moving a bit closer to Gwen, and resting one of his hands gently on her chin to pull her face up to look at him. Their eyes made contact, and between how upset Gwen looked and how worried and frustrated Blake looked - it stung. “This? It scares me. You are scaring me. And what I think scares me the most is that I don’t think you realize how serious this is.”

“But you don’t understand,” Gwen said quietly, closing her eyes as a few tears fell once again. Blake had had enough. His heart was breaking for the woman in front of him and he reached out with both of his arms, bringing her into his chest, and engulfing her frame completely with his. Gwen’s arms grabbed onto him immediately and wrapped around him tightly, finally feeling some of the tension of the day disappear. 

Blake stood there with her like this for what seemed like at least half an hour, holding Gwen and letting her release some of the tears she had been holding back. When he felt that she was calmer, he rubbed her back gently and spoke into her ear. “I want you to make me understand,” he said, continuing to run his fingers in circles on top of her shirt.

“What?” Gwen said, a bit taken aback, as she pulled her head up to look at him. 

“I want you to tell me everything,” Blake repeated, as he moved one hand to gently rest on her cheek again. “I want you to make me understand how it got to this point.” His tone was not demanding, but gentle and understanding. It was searching for meaning.

Her stomach was doing flips at that point as she began processing what he was saying. Gwen’s face wrinkled a bit with concern as she broke eye contact, looking down, almost as if she was searching for answers. She seemed a bit nervous and fidgety all of a sudden. Deep down, she knew she was embarrassed about the entire situation and the fact that it had gone on for so long - and that it got bad enough at certain points where some people found out.

“What’s wrong?” Blake asked gently, not releasing his hold on her. 

Gwen let out a shaky breath and bit her lip. Her eyes closed as she felt Blake lean forward and place a soft, sweet kiss on her forehead for reassurance. Her fingers began twitching against the small of his back, searching for something to do, a response he felt and knew all too well. He knew he was making her anxiety go through the roof with his request.

“Gwen, you’re sick, darlin,” Blake said softly. “I know you don’t want to hear that, but I know deep down you know it’s true even though you’re trying to run from it. And I want to understand why you do this to yourself, why you’ve done this to yourself for so long. I want to help you get through this, and I can’t do it if I don’t understand. I am so in love with you and the boys, and the thought of losing you — that would kill me.”

She took a few deep, shaky breaths as more tears came down her cheeks. It came as a shock to her as she had never exactly had someone say those words to her so abruptly. It made her stomach turn and her anxiety creep up even more than it already was. She looked up at him, taking another breath, taking the sight of him in. It broke her heart what she had done - the pain and worry she put in this man’s eyes that was all her fault, and she hated herself for it. She didn’t know why this perfect man thought she was worthy of his time, yet alone his love, and she had never been used to this level of care. For the first time it really hit her - he had never been angry at her, he really was just scared.

“I’ve never said any of it out loud,” she managed, once she calmed her breathing. "And it's stupid...and embarrassing." She also thought a lot of the time she was just making it up in her head, but she kept that part to herself as she knew it would just do more damage to the situation. 

“It’s okay to be scared,” he reassured her, gently massaging her lower back. “Those are your insecurities talking. It's not stupid, and you shouldn't be embarrassed, honey. I think deep down you’ve buried this for years and I think you would feel so much better if you talked about it.”

“I’m afraid to scare you away,” she admitted, knowing all too well that it was the only reason she kept it so concealed to begin with. But she also knew deep down that Blake was so different - she had told him so many things she had never shared with anyone else before, because their trust and bond ran deeper than anything she had ever felt before. It was a large wound that she was exhausted from hiding from him anymore.

“I promise - you don’t have the ability to scare me away,” Blake responded. 

Gwen nodded, believing him for the most part but still internally reserved on the idea. “Okay,” she finally agreed, quietly, as her hands moved away from his sides and down to collect his hands in hers. 

“I’ll start from the beginning."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I want to thank everyone who has left comments and love on my writing - it means the world to me! I have a lot of ideas for where I want to take this and I'm excited. I haven't written in quite a long time and it's good to be back in it.
> 
> If anyone has suggestions, requests, or feedback, please let me know! I'm sorry in advance for the emotional roller coaster I'm thinking this will turn out to be :)

Spring 1995

For some reason, Gwen was nervous about how this was going to go.

It wasn’t everyday that some big executive from her record label wanted to meet with her at a trendy LA cafe, and what was especially unnerving was the fact that she was the only one invited to this get together. She was the lead singer in her band, and yet when she had mentioned the lunch to Tony and her other bandmates, they were none the wiser. It hit her then that they weren’t invited.

But what could it possibly be about? Various thoughts were running through her head as she walked down the sidewalk, trying to make sense of what the day could possibly bring. If it was something relevant to the band, there would be no reason for them to be excluded. If it was something personal - well that would be a mess, especially because she didn’t know this guy, and he must not have listened to any of the songs on Tragic Kingdom to realize how fucked up she still was over her split with Tony. 

Her hand soon gripped the metal knob once she reached the cafe and pushed the door open, looking around. Gwen had only seen this particular executive once in her life, and she knew she would likely have a hard time pinpointing him in a crowd. Luckily, it was only 11:30, so the crowd was small, and there was only one lone executive sitting in a suit in the back corner of the cafe. He stuck out like a sore thumb against the cool, casual, California vibe the establishment worked so hard to portray.

Gwen approached the table, and feeling her sudden presence, the executive looked up, offering her a smile.

“Gwen Stefani!” he proclaimed loudly, standing quickly and offering his hand to her. He was one of those loud, overdramatic executive types that probably had a very lengthy sales background in his career. Everything that would come out of his mouth would sound like he was a used sales carman trying to make his commission for the day. “Don Allen, come on, have a seat,” he introduced himself quickly, gesturing to the booth next to them. Don took his seat again, folded his hands, leaned back a bit and looked at Gwen for a moment.

“Nice to meet you,” she said politely, noticing him staring at her. She let him. There wasn’t anything else she could do - he was a huge executive that she knew she had to make like her, especially after all of the money the company was throwing at their band to get them off the ground. They were getting some traction with the buzz of the impending release of Tragic Kingdom, and even though fame had never been something she was obsessed with striving after, she had to admit the entire thing was so exciting. They had just been asked to go on tour with Bush a little later in the year which was a huge deal, and it was all happening so fast.

“So, uhm…” Gwen said, trying to fill the silence between them as he just seemed to want to awkwardly observe her.

“Right,” Don responded. “I’m very heavily involved with a number of our artists, and with how invested we are in the success of the band, I always prefer to get some face time in with our acts,” he explained, closing his menu shut.

“But the rest of the band isn’t here,” she said, declaring the obvious, even though that was the one prompted question she desperately wanted avoided but answered at the same time. 

“Right, but you’re the front woman of this band. And I wanted to meet with you and talk about how your life is going to change after this tour, and make sure you’re ready for it.”

“I’m not sure I really understand,” she admitted, fidgeting a bit in her seat. 

“Well don’t get me wrong, the entire band together is great. But there is extra responsibility - extra expectation that is going to be put on you, not only as the face of this group, but as the only female in the group.”

“Ready to order?” a small, bubbly waitress chimed in as she looked to Gwen with a smile.

“Oh, uh, yeah sure…” she said, pausing a moment as she quickly glanced at the menu, searching for something quickly as to not delay this any longer than needed. “I’ll just have the veggie burger, fries on the side,” she said, closing the menu.

“Actually, doll, can you scratch that and give us a moment?” Don chimed in, all but shooing the waitress off as he looked over to meet the eyes of a very confused Gwen.

“That, right there, is part of what we need to talk about actually,” he began. “And I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but it needs to be said in this industry for someone new on this rise to the top.” Gwen swallowed hard, truly oblivious and having no idea where this was headed. 

“Gwen, you’re young and gorgeous. You’ve got talent and a real opportunity here. Hell - you could be the next Madonna if you really worked hard enough at it. But in this business, there’s a million pretty girls in the industry. You’re a goner if you don’t take it seriously.” She nodded. She didn’t know how else to respond.

“You’re about to go on a long tour for the first time. Making it in this world is all about maintaining the perfect look - and you have to work hard at it. You have to portray what they want to see. That’s how an average girl that strolls into a cafe and orders french fries, has a few one hit wonders then disappears becomes a superstar that orders a salad and goes for an hour long run and has a career that spans decades.”

It hit her what he was alluding to with this entire conversation like a stack of bricks. 

“I know this is harsh, baby, but it’s what all of my female clients need to hear. You need to take care of yourself if you think you ever have a chance of making it for real. It’s a double standard but the way it works.”

“You don’t think I take care of myself?” she asked finally, her head swimming around the words of this conversation in utter disbelief that this was what was happening. She exhaled a breath she didn’t realize she was holding in right before he responded.

“Well, I can’t be the judge of that,” he said simply. “But there’s always room for improvement. More toning. Less junk food, more health food. Come on baby, you know what I’m saying here.”

Gwen felt embarrassed over something she hardly gave a second thought to. Sure, she wore a lot of shirts that exposed her midriff, and she wasn’t the most fit person in the world but she honestly didn’t feel like she looked as bad as this executive was making her out to seem. Her arms crossed protectively against her chest as Don picked up his glass of water, sipping it. She had always just been an average girl from Orange County - simple life, loving and supporting parents, great friends. But from this conversation, she realized she was in an entirely different league. Success was largely depending upon her at this point, and she needed to work harder. She needed to look better.

The waitress came back and broke the silence at the table. Don took the lead and went ahead with his order, and looked expectantly over to Gwen. Gwen’s eyes travelled up to the bubbly waitress, briefly to the menu, then back up to rattle off the name of the first salad she saw listed. 

“Atta girl,” Don encouraged, patting Gwen on the leg once in approval. “It’s a bitch, I’m sure, but when you’re swimming in success it’s a small sacrifice.”

\----------------------------

“Wow, he’s probably one of the biggest assholes in this entire world,” Blake commented, his heart aching as Gwen had started to tell her story as far back as she remembered. 

They were sitting on the couch now, Gwen curled up with her legs underneath her facing Blake, holding his hands between them. As she spoke, she didn’t make eye contact and she nervously traced circles on his hands as the story began pouring out of her. It was easier for her to say the words without having to answer to his eyes.

“That’s when it really hit me for the first time, I guess,” Gwen said softly, biting her lip slightly. “I mean I grew up in a huge Italian family which is great, there’s so much love like that, but I knew I was always average and always had the predisposition to go too far. I was aware of it in a different way back then, but it completely changed that day in the cafe. I…didn’t know how to respond or handle that. I was young, impressionable, and didn’t have the confidence to think for myself in the midst of everything happening. What I heard him say was, you’re unprofessional and not dedicated to your career right now, and you need to make some changes or the entire band fails.”

Blake squeezed one of her hands, trying to comfort her. 

“I don’t know if that’s truly where it began, but it’s a memory I have deeply engrained.” She paused. “I started noticing a change after that. I didn’t enjoy social gatherings as much - they gave me anxiety. I didn’t really enjoy going to restaurants with friends. For the first time since high school, I hit the gym hard when I wasn’t busy with things for the band. If I messed up and ate something I shouldn’t have I — I got rid of it. It didn’t strike me as anything other than just doing what I needed to do to be professional - to keep my job - and make us successful.”

There was silence in the air. It took a few moments before Gwen broke it.

“I’ve never told anyone about that meeting,” she admitted, squeezing Blake’s hands as she bit her lip again. “Not the band. Not even Gavin. I actually think I lied to the band about what that meeting was about. I was too embarrassed. It was the first of many, many secrets I was going to start keeping.”

“The only one that should have been embarrassed was him,” Blake responded, furrowing his brows. 

“If we’re going to be real, though, everything he said is right. It’s still how it is today. He was just brash enough to put it into words. And this was the early 90’s - it was an entirely different time…”

“There isn’t an excuse in my book that covers him,” Blake cut her off gently. He leaned towards her, placing a kiss on her forehead. Gwen’s eyes closed as she focused on that, trying to stave off the rest of the story. It was such a huge narrative, spanning two decades, that it was exhausting to sit down and sort through it. It was terrifying to put it into words and tell it to someone.

“I love you,” Blake said in a whisper, encouraging her. “You’re safe with me, remember that.”

Gwen nodded, looking up briefly to make eye contact with him. There was nothing but love in his eyes for her and it made her heart skip a beat. She averted her glance, fumbling a bit in her mind as she tried to figure out where to take this next. And then it hit her.

The story would be very incomplete without some Gavin Rossdale bullshit thrown in.


	3. Chapter 3

Fall 1995

This boy had hit her world hard like a category five hurricane - of this, she was sure.

The entire year so far had completely boggled her mind. Gwen was in the middle of going on her first huge tour with her band, opening for a mega rockstar, which, oh yeah, she had somehow wound up dating throughout all of the madness.

It had all started at that tour kick off party in New Orleans. It was exciting to be asked by the tour headliner to come out for a party before they hit the road. The way she felt his eyes on her - it gave her feelings that she hadn’t felt since Tony used to do the same thing. She was a goner, and she knew it, the second he asked her to leave the party, walking the deserted French Quarter into the early morning hours, their first kiss happening just as the sun came up over the horizon.

If only the fairytale could have continued on like that.

While the beginning was magical, it soon had complications thrown in as soon as they hit the road. Of course it wasn’t a huge secret that the two of them were spending a lot of time together, but sometimes it made it a little awkward. Instead of hanging out with her band - her band that she loved, they were her best friends - she’d often sneak off to wherever Gavin was going that night. He was young, gorgeous, and somehow throughout all of the cities and towns they hit there seemed to be some huge party after the shows. They were your typical, standard club type parties, but as Gwen rounded the corner into the entrance of the club they had rented out for that night, she noticed something decidedly different.

“Gwen!” someone shouted from across the room, which drew her attention immediately. She recognized Robin, Gavin’s drummer, and gave a small smile and wave. Her eyes moved past him and up to the stage that was set up as a catwalk, noticing the various strippers on poles and feeling completely out of place. Why was she here? Was she supposed to be here? She didn’t understand how or why Gavin would have invited her to a strip club of all places.

And then she saw it - Gavin was in the corner with a few members of his crew. They appeared to be egging him on to make a move with the girl that was sliding up and down a pole just a foot in front of them. He slammed back the beer he was holding, chuckled, and leaned forward to slide a dollar bill into the string of the thong that rested on the girl’s hip.

She felt awkward and didn’t know what to do. A moment later, she turned and started walking out of the building.

Gwen was making her way down the street when she all of a sudden heard footsteps running up behind her. “Hey!” she heard Gavin call out to her, him finally catching up to her and standing in front of her to stop her from her path. “Where are you going?” he inquired.

“Strip clubs aren’t really my thing,” Gwen replied, a bit flatly. They were so new in their relationship, and part of her felt like she didn’t have a right to tell him what not to do, even if it was something as obvious as don’t touch strippers. 

“Robin was in charge of this one, babe, this wasn’t me,” Gavin replied matter of factly, as if that would erase his involvement. Noticing her silence, he continued with his defense. “Babe, Gwen, come on, none of that actually means anything in there. It’s all just for fun. How do you not know this? Aren’t you used to being on a tour bus full of guys by now?”

“I’m going home,” she said, pushing to the side a bit to walk past him.

“Home? As in California? You’re leaving the tour?” Gavin asked, dumbfounded.

“No, idiot, I’m going back to the hotel. Whatever. It’s the closest thing to a home right now.” Gavin began to walk after her.

“Gwen, come on, why are you so uptight about all of this? Nothing happened. It’s just boys being boys. You realize that half the guys on my crew in there are happily married, right? And their wives aren’t freaking out over the fact that they’re in clubs every night.”

“I’m not your wife, Gavin,” she countered, not stopping. “And tonight I’m not even really sure if I’m your girlfriend so…”

His arm reached out and his hand clutched onto her shoulder, forcing her to stop.

“Gwen, don’t walk away from me.”

Forced to stop, she kept her face turned away from him for a while before turning in his grip to look him in the eyes. It wasn’t anger that he saw - it was hurt.

Gavin, not exactly one that was great with words or smoothing things over, slid his other arm behind Gwen’s back, pulling her to him roughly, as his other hand went up to her cheek and kissed her deeply. Hungrily. Gwen was taken aback and let it happen, tasting the tequila on his breath. He kissed her long enough, and she felt desperate enough in that moment to be wanted that she pushed herself towards him and deepened the kiss even more.

“Come on, love,” Gavin whispered on her neck, taking her hand and pulling her into the side door of the hotel they were all staying at. With his bandmates out, they would have some privacy.

A few hours later, they were sprawled in his bed after quite a few rounds of rough sex. She learned that was really the only way Gavin liked it - he wanted to be in control. He liked when she was powerless. He liked marking her, leaving bruises, evidence of his dominance over her. She always walked away feeling sore from their encounters, but she had finally found someone that was so desperate to fuck her, and she just wanted to be wanted like that. Her last relationship was always her worrying about whether or not Tony was even interested in her or if she would get thrown to the curb at anytime. 

Gavin’s back was on the mattress, and soon Gwen rolled over slightly to lay against his chest, one leg resting in between his. He seemed to fidget a bit when she assumed this position on top of him, almost as if he was uncomfortable, almost as if it was too intimate and he didn’t want it. Confirming her fears, she felt his hands make their way to her hips and he pulled her on top of him, forcing her to sit on top of him. His gaze was distant, distracted almost, but Gwen was determined to catch it. When she did, she offered a small smile. “Hi,” she said softly. He didn’t say anything, met her eyes once and kept his hands on her hips.

Why did he always make her feel like she did something wrong?

His hands fell from her hips and rested on her thighs. She was straddling him, still very much naked, but she was starting to feel awkward and was starting to think that maybe she should just leave. Before she could think twice to make a move to do so, he squeezed her thighs a bit, ruffled his eyebrows, and looked up at her.

“You might want to think about coming along with me and my trainer in the mornings, love,” he said, nonchalantly. “He can get this extra off of you and really help you tone up.”

Gwen’s face went from sweet only moments before, to nervous and awkward thinking she should leave, to utterly and completely shocked in the current moment. She blinked a few times, trying to process what he had just said.

“Wh—what?” she stammered, choking, as she felt her heart in her throat at that moment. He was still looking at her naked body, and all she wanted to do was cover it from him at that moment.

“Well, you get a workout on stage, for sure, but that’s just cardio. You’ve got to incorporate strength training, too. It’ll also help with more definition in your arms…” he said, trailing off, as his hands went to her shoulders and he dragged them down the length of her arms.

She couldn’t help it or hold it back anymore. She took a deep, shaky breath, yanked one of the sheets out from under them, and covered her body from him. A single tear fell down her cheek which she quickly, discreetly wiped away, and she climbed off of him.

“Whoa, where are you going?” Gavin asked, dumbfounded over what had just happened.

“Why would you say something to me like that?” she asked, incredibly upset, and completely unsure of how to react to this situation.

“Why do you get upset over every little damn thing I say?” Gavin countered. “Jesus, Gwen, I care about you and your career, why do you always have to take this shit so personally?”

“Because it is personal, Gavin!” she practically shouted back at him, feeling herself get more upset than she meant to. 

“I’m not going to lie to you. I’m going to be honest. That’s what you’re supposed to do in a relationship,” he said, as if he was a goddamn expert in them or something.

Gwen took a few shaky breaths as she broke free from his grasp, wrapping the sheet around her tighter as she began to look for her clothes on the ground. “How do you not realize how hard I work?"

“You do work hard. I’m just giving you a goddamn suggestion - a free invitation, at that, my god woman…” 

“You have no idea what you’re saying to me. You have no idea how much I already beat myself up over myself, I don’t need this from the guy I’m seeing, too. Hollywood rips me to shreds enough on top of what I put myself through and if you even knew, god if you only knew,” she shook her head, a few tears falling. 

“I’ve got nothing left to say, not when you’re like this,” Gavin said abruptly. “You do whatever you need to do. I was just trying to help your pathetic career, which by the way has barely taken off at this point. Maybe there’s a connection, love."

She found the last piece of clothing on the ground, stormed across the room, and locked herself in the bathroom alone. Gwen clutched the white sheet tight against her body as she quietly began to let herself cry, sliding down the back of the door until she was in a sitting position. So there she was - and what a hell of a day it had been. Who knew that it could get worse than watching Gavin slide a bill under a stripper’s thong.

Everything came flooding back to her. That horrible meeting with that executive before she went on this tour. The various articles in magazines that would ask if Gwen Stefani could “really pull off these crop tops with that stomach”. Visions of her aunts and uncles warning her at family gatherings when she was just a kid about not eating too much and ending up plump. Plump. She hated that word. And to top it all off - the guy that is supposed to cherish her, the guy that is supposed to be her support system, was acting as her biggest critic.

\--------------------------

 

“And you stayed with him?” Blake asked immediately, shocked and in disbelief. “I mean, Gwen, that’s really fucked up how he treated you, and so early in your relationship…what could he have possibly said to dig himself out of that giant hole?”

“Gavin is the most forceful and persuasive individual you will ever meet,” she responded. She took a deep, shaky breath in and exhaled. She was barely hitting the edge of this story and already she felt like an emotional mess. “I know now that I misunderstood his selfish desires for me to be a certain way for love, as he justified it because of my career. But back then I was so young, and so desperate…desperate to be wanted. I had only been with Tony at that point and even though we dated for years it never felt like he really ever wanted me. Not in that same way - not in the hungry, crazed, possessive way Gavin wanted me. And I didn’t know how to say no. I didn’t know there was anything better.”

Gwen bit her lip and fell silent, focusing on her breathing, and really trying to not get upset about this as she told him the story. She knew she would break eventually, but if she lost it now, she’d never get to the end. Her eyes looked up and locked with Blake’s, who had really just been sitting there the entire time and watching her, intently. His expression was one of concern, heartbreak, and it was all too much.

“I’m so sorry,” her voice cracked, as she felt the tears fall again. She was starting to cry a little, she felt it, but she was doing her best to keep it calm.

“Sorry? Baby, what for?”

“It’s just so hard to tell this story,” she shook her head a bit. “It’s long, complicated, and messy, and I don’t even know if it’s going to do you any good to know it by the end. And then it’s like, what a waste, right?”

“Gwen Renee Stefani. Look at me.”

The shock of her full name escaping his lips confused her. She didn’t have time to think about avoiding him, her eyes were on him immediately.

He reached forward, placing a hand on the back of her head and urging her towards him and into a kiss. Gwen took a breath, one hand sliding up to rest on his neck as she deepened the kiss, pushing onto her knees and crawling towards him, closing the space between them. Blake’s other arm came around her, gently pulling Gwen on top of his lap as they continued to kiss. She pulled back a little bit and looked at him, a bit expectantly.

“I don’t have to remind you that we just checked you out of the hospital today after you were in there for a week,” he started gently, making sure his grip on her was tight because he knew she loved to try and avoid these types of conversations. “You need to get this out of you. This is not a waste of anything. Your life might depend on it.”

Sometimes, she was just in awe of this man. Gwen nodded her head as another tear fought to fall down her left cheek, Blake making sure to whisk it away as soon as it appeared. 

“Let me fix you some tea,” he nudged her a bit, moving her off to the side and sitting her on the couch. He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on her neck before walking into the kitchen. Gwen rested her head back against the pillow on the couch, feeling slightly more comforted, awaiting his return.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously guys, I'm so honored and thankful for the love and comments <3 
> 
> Leave any requests, suggestions, etc. that your little hearts may desire.

January 2000

It was a somewhat chilly morning in LA, and with no pending plans for the day, Gwen took advantage of the time she had to herself. With the album releasing in a few months, it was hard to find a moment in time to relax and not be consumed in the band completely.

She liked staying over at Gavin’s place. He had this covered porch just off of the kitchen with built in heaters that she could turn on to stave off the cold. It was perfect for mornings like this - she was wrapped up in one of his long, crisp button down shirts, engulfed in an impossibly soft oversized blanket, with tea and heaters. The fireplace was going as well, though it was more for show and didn’t radiate a ton of heat, but it made the atmosphere nicer. 

Gavin poked his head outside through the sliding doors. “Gwen?” he asked, having taken the guess that he could probably find her out there. It was one of the few things he had observed and remembered, it seemed. Gwen was always having to repeat herself on everything else. 

“I’m here,” she said softly, as she watched Gavin come outside, closing the doors behind him, and coming over to her. She sat up a bit on one of the oversized couches, moved a pillow down a bit, and pulled Gavin between her and said pillow, using him to rest her head on instead. “Hi honey,” she said tiredly, snuggling up to him.

“Good morning, love,” his British accent broke through the silence. No matter how many times she had heard him speak, it was always extra hot in the morning.

“I made pancakes for breakfast. They’re in the kitchen,” she offered sweetly, not moving off of him. 

“Pancakes…” he said, tentatively. And then he sighed.

“What’s wrong?” Gwen asked, almost afraid to in that moment. 

“Gwen…”

She knew where this was probably going.

“What, Gavin?” She sat up a bit abruptly, looking at him in the eyes. Her tone was uncharacteristically defiant, which surprised even her. 

“Didn't you make some huge deal last week about this new diet you were going on? Why would you mess that up so fast in one morning on a whim? You have an album coming out in a few months, and a tour right on the heels of that. How is that going to look when people start making reports that you’ve let yourself go…”

“Let myself go?” her voice reached an impossible high pitch as she repeated what he accused her of. 

“It was the holidays, love, don’t get so upset, it happens,” he smoothed over. “But it’s…other things, too. You’ve gotten caught in pictures without your make up or hair done. Do you know how damaging that can be for your image, even if everything else is perfect?”

“Gavin, I was sick and had to go to the doctor. Who the hell puts on a full face of make up to go to the doctor when they feel like death?”

“I’m not having this conversation with you if you’re going to fight.”

“Why am I never good enough for you?” her words came out, a bit hoarsely, before pushing off of him to stand up on her own. She took a few steps towards the door before she stopped, and whipped her head around. “Just thought you’d like to know, by the way, the pancakes were only for you. I haven’t eaten solid food in at least a week. I hope you’re happy.” 

Gwen didn’t wait for a response and angrily turned on her heel to leave. She made it over towards the doorframe but before she could walk inside, her arms flew out in front of her to hold herself steady against it as she suddenly got dizzy. Gavin’s head was in his hands in utter annoyance but the sudden loud noise of her grabbing onto the doorframe caused him to jolt up, sprinting over to help her.

“Gwen, babe, what’s the matter?” he asked attentively, his hands holding her sides as she steadied herself. “Gwen…” 

She took a few deep, shaky breaths, and clenched one of her hands onto his shoulder for support. She turned and looked at him. “Dizzy,” she explained. “I must have stood up too fast.” Forgetting everything that had just happened only moments before, she turned and placed her other hand on his other shoulder and leaning into him instead of the door.

“Come on, lets sit you down,” he encouraged, taking her by the waist and walking a few steps over to a smaller couch right next to the door. The kindness he was showing was such a contrast to how he was a few moments before - it was startling. “Take a few deep breaths.” Gwen obliged, her weight leaning on him and depending on him completely. 

“Please just leave me alone right now,” Gwen asked, even though her actions spoke an entirely different story. She wasn’t moving off of him, she was clinging to him actually, which confused him.

“How is it that you are this stubborn?” Gavin asked, his voice soft, trying to make a joke more than aggravate her. 

“I could ask you the same question,” she replied, seeming to recover from her dizzy spell. She looked up at him, trying to decide what to do next. Before she could make a decision, his mouth was covering hers and his tongue was practically down her throat. She was still upset with him, but her brain was fucked with what had just happened, and how he had taken care of her. 

“You know I just want the best for you,” he offered, as some sort of explanation. “I care about your career and your success. I’m real with you when others would lie to you. This industry is harsh, love. Anything I’ve ever said is the G-rated version of what you’re actually going to encounter. You need to be tougher. You need to get tougher.” He paused, before adding, "I love you, Gwen.” And with that, he brought her in closer to him again, gently kissing her.

 

\-------------------------------------

July 2006

Gwen remembered the conversation from the year before as if it was yesterday.

“Really, you want a baby - like, soon?” Gavin had asked, pretty shocked. 

“I’m not getting any younger,” Gwen had replied. “And Gavin, you know I really, really want kids…”

“I know we agreed to having kids, but you don’t want to wait until your career is over for all of that? You still have time right now…” Gavin had responded. 

“Yes, Gavin, I want kids now. I can do both. This is 2005 after all…I can make this work for both us and for my music."

Gavin was definitely not convinced with the idea, but it didn’t matter. He had made some roundabout remark insinuating that she couldn't even keep herself in shape without the threat of having to recover from a baby, but she remembered it being too painful and she had largely blocked it out of her mind for her sanity. Besides, here they were, about a year later, and she had finally, FINALLY, given birth to her first born son, Kingston. 

Gwen was in love, in ways that she had never felt before. The new baby smell put a spell on her, lazy days spent snoozing with her new baby in bed, not having to worry or deal with so many of her normal pressures in life and just focusing on her child. 

As much as she loved her new baby boy, she desperately needed a day off from full time mom duty to get some things done around the house and take care of herself on a few things. She dropped Kingston off with her parents and made her way back to her home. She walked in to the living room, seeing her husband sitting on the couch. A small smirk played across her features as she slowly started walking over to him. “Hi, honey,” she said.

“Hi love,” he responded a bit shortly, fixated on the television in front of him. Looked like some kind of tennis match was on.

Gwen moved in front of him and slowly crawled onto his lap, straddling him. She couldn’t remember the last time she was able to do this, and she felt exhilarated. Gavin’s hands came to her side as Gwen dipped her head to his neck, kissing and sucking on his skin a little. Her hand reached over to the remote next to them, hit the ‘power’ button to turn the TV off, and continued kissing his neck.

“Love,” he said, gesturing to the TV a bit as he hit the ‘power’ button to light up the screen again. “It’s the finals. It’s a tied game and it will be over soon.” He gave her a quick peck on the cheek and gently pulled her off of his lap, placing her next to him on the couch.

“You’re not attracted to me anymore, are you?” she asked, softly.

Gavin shot an eyebrow up and looked over at her, rolling his eyes a bit and looking back to the game. “I’m not going to justify that with an answer.”

She sat in silence. She was upset, but knew that getting more upset would only cause more problems and upset her even more than she already was. She felt rejected. So she remained.

"But if you're asking my opinion, you have the day off, you should probably make the most of it and go spend some time in the basement," he said smoothly. The large, finished basement of their home was converted into a full home gym. Embarrassed, her cheeks reddened a bit as she moved away from him. She looked down at her body. She knew that she wasn't completely back to herself after having the baby, but she hadn't felt truly ashamed about that until now. Maybe the baby had distracted her for so long that she hid behind him as an excuse. Maybe Gavin was just telling her what she needed to hear, that it was time to get serious about her career again and put this vacation behind her. Maybe him embarrassing her about the way she looked was a good thing, and it would make her do something about it. 

"Albums and tours sneak up on you before you know it," Gavin added as an afterthought, lurching forward at the TV when something good happened in the match he was watching. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed, his attention reclaimed by the screen once and for all. 

\-----------------------------------

 

The hot liquid on her lips was pure, calming heaven. It was chamomile. Exactly what she wanted, and exactly how she liked it prepared. He knew her so well. After finishing about half of the cup, she found herself crawling back into Blake’s lap to continue the story.

“Did you know…that you had a problem? When you got really dizzy?” Blake asked her after she finished that part of the story. 

“The strange thing is that once you get past the four day mark of not eating, you really start to feel invincible. It’s hard to explain,” she paused, pondering on that for a moment. “You feel light. Strangely energized. Decently focused, unless you can smell food, which then becomes all you want in life in that moment. And then if it goes on long enough, you crash. You eat a granola bar. Recover. And then you can do it again, if you want. If you don’t mess up.”

She forgot she didn’t really answer his question. Her cheeks flushed red, as she just admitted a lot more than she was ever planning to. “But no, I didn’t have a problem. I was just being professional.”

Her words and explanation were hurting him more than he could ever express, but he couldn’t let down that front on her now. She needed him to be the strong one, and she needed a safe space to get this out of her. 

“And I was a Barbie doll to him,” she concluded, ending her thought.

“Crash - like, pass out?”

“Sometimes.”

“Gwen…” he said her name with such sadness, conviction, that it stung. 

“It’s never been that bad,” she tried defending herself, but the second the words came out of her mouth she knew…

“I’d call a week ago rushing you into the ER ‘that bad’,” Blake quipped, his voice stronger than it had been before. 

Silence filled the room, as Gwen was searching for a way to respond. Instead, Blake spoke up again. "Baby, did you really think him embarrassing you about your body like that was a positive thing? Did you think that was love?"

“All of these issues are so much more complex than you realize. It’s not just about pressure, self-hatred, or things Gavin said to me, or what happened, or what didn’t. It’s so much more than that.”

“What is it about, then?” he was afraid to ask, but he had to try and wrap his head around this. 

“Control. In a world of chaos, it’s the one thing I can control."


	5. Chapter 5

August 25, 2007

For the first time in a long time, she knew exactly what city she was in.

She was in Honolulu, and the reason she knew that was because she was playing a double show there and it had been the same the night before. It was hard to wrap her head around the fact that only a few days ago, she was in Malaysia, a week before that she was in China, and before that, Australia, and the list goes on. She had almost forgotten what it was like to go on a big international tour like this, but some things never changed. Timezones became irrelevant, she slept during any pocket of time she was afforded and not obligated to be doing something else, and she was largely living off of espresso and 5 hour energy drink shots. 

She was exhausted - and that was an understatement. It was about an hour before she had to go on, and she was alone in her private dressing room. Faint music and a less subtle bass noise from the opening act were the only sounds she heard and for that, she was thankful. She was thankful that she was being left alone. After her crew had spent the last few hours dressing and making her up, she had some rare time to herself before the show.

Her hands were clutched onto the lip of the vanity in front of her as she leaned against it, staring at her reflection. Gwen knew that if she gave in, sat down, relaxed, she wouldn’t have been able to get up again, let alone go out and play a two hour long show. She forced herself to take a few deep breaths in as she felt a little lightheaded, swallowing hard. Why today of all days felt so impossible compared to the rest was beyond her. 

She thought back to the day she had. Gwen remembered waking up a little later than usual, exhausted from the night before. Her assistant had the largest fresh black coffee on her bedside table for when she woke up, which she indulged in immediately. She remembered going to the bathroom, closing the door, and sitting on the cold hard ground for a while to just get away from the chaos. Her hair was crazy from the night before, and she had reached up on the vanity for her hairbrush. Gently, she had pulled the brush through her hair for a few strokes to push it back, securing it with a rubber band to keep it out of her face. She had bent forward to place it back on the vanity when she did a double check and looked down at the brush in her hand - it had pulled out an abnormal amount of hair, so much that it instantly shook her into a panic as she scrambled to stand up from the ground and force herself to look into the mirror. Her breathing quickened in a panic as she quickly pulled the hair tie out of her hair and pulled her hair over her shoulder, gently running her fingers through the ends as she felt more strands catch and fall as she pulled her hand away. She felt sick. She felt scared. Was it stress? This was too much. Gently, she collected her hair behind her and loosely tied the band back into it, way too scared to think or deal with that right now. She wiped a few tears away from her face as she tried to calm her breathing, collecting herself, pull decent clothes on with oversized sunglasses and head to the venue. Once at the venue, she downed a small 200 calorie protein drink right before hitting the stage for soundcheck, which energized her to get through that. Before she knew it everyone had come in to get her ready, which was a blur, and brought her to the present. 

Anxiety crept back into her soul as she remembered the images of her hairbrush that morning. Tentatively, her hand reached up to her hairline and touched it, almost as if she was making sure it was really attached to her head and not just sitting on it. It was stupid and irrational, but it calmed her. She picked up the large water bottle on the vanity and drank a considerable amount in an attempt to calm her stomach. Once she pushed through this, she would have a two week break before having to play another show. She just needed to make it through one more night.

A dizzy spell hit her all of a sudden which caused her to clutch the vanity again, allowing herself to sit on the small vanity chair to recover. Her eyes went to the five hour energy shot sitting next to her, and even though she was waiting to get closer to the show for that, her hand reached out and grabbed it greedily. Gwen cracked the cap open and threw it back like a shot of vodka - fast and smooth. 

Her eyes caught her appearance again in the mirror. It suddenly became baffling to her the way she looked. Gwen was wearing a pair of shorts that were overalls with what basically amounted to only a bra top underneath them. When her body was angled to the side, the bone structure of her ribs could easily be seen. She needed to work on her stomach somewhat, but it was covered for now. Basically, from the waist up she looked small. But you could be smaller, the thought ran through her head, and she knew it was true. Where it got bad was when she started considering waist down. Why she agreed to wear white tights under the shorts was beyond her - they made her already humungous legs appear larger than life. She was embarrassed to admit to herself that she had largely stopped going to the hotel gyms on this tour, mostly because she barely had enough energy to get through the shows, forget about spending two hours in the gym. Her body was tired. Her muscles were dying most days, and sometimes it was even painful just to walk with how her muscles contracted in pain. How was it that she put herself through all of this, willingly, and yet she still couldn’t fix the worst thing about her body? 

“She has big legs - take that into account for costuming” — she remembered these words like it was yesterday, they must have not realized she was in the room when she had gone in to decide what she would wear for her set. There she was - Gwen Stefani. Going on tour with big legs. Maybe if she wasn’t so damn sensitive, Gavin would have mentioned that to her and she could have been ready to hear that comment. He seemed to hate the rest of her body so at that point, what would have been the harm of him saying one more thing to her about it? 

Gwen soon grew frustrated, her thoughts interrupting as someone peaked in her dressing room and said “30 minute call, Ms. Stefani!” So frustrated, in fact, that she grabbed the empty 5 hour energy shot container and threw it across the room to hit the wall when she realized it wasn’t working. It wasn’t doing anything. She was so frustrated she started to feel herself get upset, near tears. 

She was a woman suddenly possessed. Gwen stood straight up from the chair. She walked to the back of the room with newfound strength. She didn’t know what she was doing, and she couldn’t stop herself. Her eyes flashed as they surveyed the small spread of food that venues typically put into dressing rooms. Before she even realized what was happening she grabbed a protein bar, the wrapper was off and she didn’t even remember opening it, and she was shoving it down her throat.

She was a woman possessed as her hands snatched a second one, wrapper off, shoved down her throat. 

Gwen didn’t even taste it. All she felt was the food going down her throat, pushing at the edges of her stomach that hadn’t had to process solid food in god only knew how long. It was an uncomfortable, overly full feeling, but it was coupled with a growing, intense hunger that still was not satisfied. Hands reached out, snatched a third, wrapper off, shoved down her throat. 

Her arms reached out in front of her as she seemed to start to realize what she had done. Her hands came in contact with the basket of granola bars and other wrapped foods as she quickly, angrily, threw it off the table and watched the contents scatter on the floor. She backed away as if the table was infested with poisonous snakes, as if her life depended on it. She felt the anxiety and guilt in her gut go from zero to unbearable in a matter of seconds, her eyes wide in shock as she felt a panic attack was about to come on. 

Get rid of it.

She suddenly went from backing away from the table in front of her to turning and sprinting for the small, private bathroom on the other side of the dressing room, intent on fixing her huge mistake. She had barely swallowed the last of the third protein bar before she found herself hunched over on her knees, willing it out of her. She wasn’t going to do down like this. 

Once she was satisfied she had taken care of it, the dizziness returned as she sat back on the ground, just trying to keep her eyes open. A few moments later she was up, carefully walking across the room as she found one of her bags, pulling two of the energy shots out of it and downing them immediately, back to back. Her head felt cloudy, but a few moments later she seemed to be able to focus. 

The next memory she had was walking towards the stage. Actually, no - she didn’t walk, she was floating. She was to the point where she almost didn’t realize what her body was doing, as if someone else was controlling her movements and living for her. The anxiety and guilt from what had just happened in the dressing room was creeping into her thoughts as she stood on the side of the stage, about eight minutes away from starting her show. The aches, pain, and longing she felt in her gut from having to expel so much energy to get rid of her mistake hit her as her eyes looked out to the crowd. 

She was off that night. Gwen was fucking up the lyrics in some way every other song at least, and even though she had no energy, what she did manage still would have given her away to a casual fan that wasn’t used to how much she did normally move around on the stage. Somewhere in the middle of her set list, her eyes scanned out into the crowd and even as far back to the lawn in the back of the venue. She saw the medic tent, a few large ambulances sitting nearby with their lights on, probably for quick recognition if they were needed by anyone. She remembered thinking how much she wanted to be there. How much she wanted to just lay down, how she didn’t feel like she was going to make it through this night and that they’d likely be coming for her anyways. 

Was that her goal? Was she trying to end up in the back of an ambulance? 

This realization hit her hard when she exited the stage, barely making it through her last song. She felt her heart working overtime to keep itself beating, a weird feeling she had all but gotten used to at this point. When she didn’t eat, it was this strange feeling that she actually felt her body working harder to keep itself working for her. 

No, stupid, that isn’t your goal. You’re just trying to keep your career. You’re trying to keep your husband. You’re trying to keep your family, and if you fuck it up now, it’s all going to go away.

 

\--------------------------------

 

Gwen finished that part of the story and immediately fell silent. It was a strange feeling, having that lingering in the air between them - having just told someone some of her most private, inner, crazy thoughts for the first time and just feeling exposed for it. Suddenly feeling really embarrassed, she gently pushed herself out of Blake’s lap and avoided eye contact. She stood up next to him, and paced in small lines around the living room. All of this made her so nervous and she was restless, just trying to occupy herself and make some kind of movement with her body as a distraction. It was too hard to sit there and have this be the only thing presently happening.

Blake was beside himself. It was taking all of his strength to not tear up at this point, as he listened to the self-torture this beautiful, kind woman in front of him had been putting herself through for so long. When she moved off of him his face fell in confusion, and he just watched her expel some of the tension from her body as she paced near him. He wanted to reach out for her, hold onto her and never let her go, but he knew she was processing this. He knew this was what she had to do to get this out of her, and he couldn’t mess that up for her. 

“I warned you I was crazy,” she said, back turned to him, breath unsure and a bit shaky.

“But you’re not crazy.”

“Stupid. Embarrassing. Crazy. Whatever, pick your adjective.”

“Gwen…”

“No,” she said, trying to just get him to stop attempting to comfort her about this. It’s all she wanted and the last thing she wanted. 

“You are safe with me here,” he reminded her. His hand reached out to take hers in his when she paced close enough to him. He squeezed it. “You are safe, and you are loved.”

Her knees felt a little weak at his declaration, she she found her body naturally swaying closer to him, closing the distance as he pulled her back on top of his lap. Her arms wrapped around him as her head went to lay against his chest, focusing on his heartbeat that she could hear through his chest. It seemed to calm her down.

“The next day, I remember sleeping in a lot later than usual. I remember leaving the hotel and making my way down to the coffee shop. I had that coffee in my hands for a hot second before I got so weak I dropped it, right before I dropped on the ground and lost consciousness. I woke up a few days later in the hospital. I had a panic attack when I realized not only did they hook me up to fluids from being dehydrated, but they put a feeding tube in me because they knew I needed nutrients and I hadn’t woken up yet. I screamed at the doctor, had a nervous breakdown and forced them to release me the same day I woke up against their advice. I got on a plane so fast to the next show and left it all behind.”

Silence lingered in the air for a bit. Blake was dying to ask a question, trying to dig deeper, but he was nervous to go there. He sighed a little bit, and Gwen could practically hear him thinking.

“You have something you’re holding back. What is it?” she inquired.

Blake let out another breath, struggling to find the words. “I just…” he began, backtracking, and trying again. “Where was your control in that? I, I don’t mean to upset you but all of that just sounds like you making yourself sick and what actually ends up happening, you didn’t have any control over? You can’t choose if you faint or not, because obviously you did and I don’t think you wanted to do that…”

“Are you sure you want me to answer that?”

Blake was suddenly nervous by her quick, candid response, but he couldn’t help himself. “I need to know. To understand.”

“There’s an intoxicating amount of control you feel when you’re doing well for so long. When everything else was crazy - when I had so much coming out of me from babies to music to touring, to anger and frustration with Gavin, to everyone wanting something from me when I had nothing left to give - that’s control. I could be in control of what went into me and I could control what numbers I saw on the scale in the morning. I couldn’t control the rest,” she began. She paused, took a deep breath in, closed her eyes and continued. “When I lost control. When I shoved something down my throat that I shouldn’t have, that wasn’t in my plan, the control was mitigating the damage and getting rid of it. The control was forcing myself to live the next week even harsher and stricter as punishment for what I had done. And passing out, while it’s scary and I’m the first one to admit that, is a twisted form of control because…”

She stopped immediately, her eyes shutting and forcing a few hidden tears out and down her cheeks. This was going to be the moment of truth. He didn’t think she was crazy, at least not to her face, but for some reason she had trouble saying the next words. He felt that, and let the silence be as she tried to find the strength to continue. He rubbed her back gently in an attempt to comfort her, kissing her softly on the top of her head.

“It reaffirms the fact that you’re being successful.”

Her face buried into her hands as soon as she said the words, somewhat embarrassed, but also a bit upset. That whole tour was just a painful time for her and it was magnified by the issues she was going through at the time. Even though she still had these issues in present times, it wasn’t as hard as it was back then when she was alone. She had Blake now that showed her more love than she could ever feel in her entire life. He saved her from losing herself completely after her marriage blew up and she was so, beyond in love with him. Maybe that love was where she was finding the strength to trust him and to tell him these painful, dark, incredibly well-kept secrets.


	6. Chapter 6

October 21, 2007

Amazingly, she had made it. 

Ninety shows from April until now. The tour wasn’t completely over yet, she had a few to do back in the states, but they were local to California and in the meantime, she had a week off. 

After everything that had happened in Hawaii a few months prior, she had slowly start to stumble upon a few realizations. One, when she let herself get upset and emotional, she was a hell of a lot more susceptible to losing control. Two, when she got embarrassed about something, she lashed out to cover it up. And three, her entire life had been taken over by expectations - of which she knew deep down, were unrealistic - that she put on herself, and she was tired of feeling sick and near death on a daily, constant basis. She vowed to herself that the moment she got back to LA, and no matter how hard it was going to be, she would make an appointment to see her doctor. 

She sat in her empty bedroom, staring at the phone in front of her, trying to get up the courage to make the call. She started convincing herself that it wasn’t a good idea. This felt like the only thing she had left at times, and she was trying to get rid of it? It made her crazy, it made her sick, but it also reaffirmed that she was still breathing and able to have some semblance of control over something. 

And then she thought of Kingston. Her adorable, crazy, little Kingston. That little boy was her life, and her heart ached that she hadn’t seen him yet since being back. He was probably so big since the last time she saw him and it made her heart swell with love. She held onto those emotions long enough to force her hand to her phone and make the call. She was a little shocked that she had an opening this afternoon, which she took, but it instantly shook her to the core. She wasn’t prepared for it to be so fast - god, she thought it wouldn’t have been until tomorrow at the earliest. Her anxiety began rising as she placed her phone back on the vanity, wrapping her arms around herself as she remained in silence.

A few hours later, she was checking in at the front receptionist desk and was soon taken back quicker than she had ever been before. She was wrapped up in a comfortable, oversized hoodie overtop black leggings. Her doctor came into the room. She forced herself to take a deep breath in, vowing immediately that she couldn’t let herself get upset. Not here.

She hid a lot from the doctor that day. Gwen didn’t have the strength or courage to go into full details, but she felt that she gave enough of a hint into what had been going on that she could pick up on it. 

“It sounds like you’re quite exhausted,” the woman’s soothing voice concluded, and Gwen nodded in agreement. “Tell me, have you felt dizzy? Have you passed out? Gotten sick?”

“Yes,” she answered quietly, to none in particular, but to be honest, it was the same for all three inquires.

“What are you eating? What does your diet look like?”

Shit.

“Uhm…” she stammered, trying to find a balance between not lying completely and still asking for some kind of help. “I don’t really know. I’m a light eater. I snack, mostly. Protein drinks…food bars…” she was at a loss for words.

When all else fails, change the subject.

“I want to have another baby,” she said suddenly, meeting her doctor’s eyes for the first time. “But I know that if I can barely stand, if I’m dizzy and exhausted, I won’t be able to handle another pregnancy, let alone another child.”

“Your BMI seems to be low. It might be difficult, especially because you said you didn’t remember the last time you had your period…”

“Difficult?” she echoed, her voice cracking a bit as she felt herself getting emotional. She forced herself to take a breath in, and her doctor realized she had upset her.

“Gwen, I said difficult, but it’s not off the table,” her soothing words came through, as the doctor placed a hand on her shoulder for reassurance. It was silent for a while, as the doctor seemed to be thinking, but she soon broke the silence.

“Tell you what, I have an idea,” she said suddenly, taking a seat across from Gwen. The doctor took her hands into hers and held them, forcing Gwen to look up at her. “I have a close friend who is a registered nutritionist, and also specializes in eating disorders. It sounds like the problem could be that you just don’t know how to eat a balanced diet to get what your body needs, and she can help you with that.”

“What?” Gwen asked, shocked at the suggestion. “But I don’t have…” she let her words trail off, unable to even say the word.

“No, no, that’s not what I’m saying,” the doctor reassured her. “But I think that she could help you. She only sees a select roster of clients in the comfort of their own homes, and I’m sure I could get her out to you by tomorrow. Does that sound like a good first step?”

Gwen hesitated, but she was at a loss. She never thought of herself as having a problem, but then her non-problem came with so many side effects and she just wanted it to stop completely. “Okay,” she finally answered, and she was sent on her way with a 3:00 appointment at her house for the following day.

The 24 hours following the first doctor’s appointment was maddening. She had no idea what was going to come of this specialist, but this lady quite literally knew where she lived and there was no getting out of it now. The doorbell rang and soon she found herself sitting in her living room with a stranger (she introduced herself as Lucy), feeling like she was being observed. She largely told this nutritionist specialist exactly what she had told the doctor - her symptoms, her limited food options that she allowed herself, some of her fears, and her unrelenting exhaustion. She accidentally let it slip in one of her answers that alluded to the fact that she had thrown up food in order to control her weight, panicked and did her best to cover it, and when she realized she said too much, changed the subject completely. 

“I have a son named Kingston,” she said, proudly, gesturing to a nearby picture of him in a frame on the coffee table. “And I really want to have more kids. But…I’m so exhausted. I’ve been through pregnancy and I know that how I am now I wouldn’t be able to handle a pregnancy, let alone chase around a second child…”

“Okay,” Lucy mused, scribbling down a few notes, contemplating them, before looking back up to Gwen. “We need to focus on getting your body the nutrients it needs. It sounds like that is why your body is so exhausted all the time. It doesn’t have enough to function completely, and that’s really dangerous. Besides being dangerous, if you’re trying to get pregnant at the same time, there’s no way your body would be able to sustain a pregnancy in its current state.” 

Hearing those words was a knife through her heart. She couldn’t help but close her eyes as she felt a wave of sadness fall over her.

“I think with some strategic meal planning, we can overcome this, though,” she quickly reassured her, passing a chart over to Gwen for her to hold.

“What’s this?” she asked, looking down at it.

“This is a suggested daily meal plan that will get your body the nutrients it needs,” she explained, coming to sit next to Gwen and point a few things out on the chart. “It’s broken up by three meals and two snacks, but I know you said you are more of a snacker so you don’t have to worry about the times on this sheet or anything. Eat when your body feels hungry, and try to aim for everything on the list for the day.”

“But…but that’s 1400 calories a day…” Gwen said with a twinge of panic in her voice.

“That’s how much you should be eating to maintain your weight,” Lucy replied. “If you’re trying to get pregnant, you can’t lose anymore weight. You’re already borderline for maintaining a pregnancy and that would likely hurt your chances.”

Gwen nodded quickly, her eyes scanning the chart below her. Was this honestly what all of this had come to?

 

\-----------------------------

November 2007

Tour was finally over - this time for good. She was able to take a long break for the holidays before having any other obligations in the new year, and for this, she was thankful. 

It had been two weeks since Lucy had met with her for the first time, and it was probably the two longest, hardest weeks of her entire life. She had gone from months of living off of coffee and energy shots to incorporating food back into her diet. The progression was slow. The first day, she remembered making eggs in the morning with a small cup of oatmeal. She ate a greek yogurt for a mid-morning snack. She ate a banana just past lunchtime, and for dinner she cooked vegetables and served them over a generous spoonful of quinoa. Her stomach hurt. Her spirits were low, not only because she hit the highest number of calories she had probably seen all year at around 700 for that day, but the fact that it made her feel like such a failure on the other side as well. Her nutritionist told her she needed to hit double that number if she ever had a chance of having another baby. She had gone to bed, defeated.

It was a week and a half she spent like that, she was hovering right under the 1000 calorie mark for every day, too panicked and scared to go over it but also beating herself up over it because it was preventing her from having more of a family. She felt like an emotional wreck every time she went near the kitchen. She had to force herself to do it most times, and the anxiety she felt trying to pick and choose things for the day was overwhelming. The only silver lining in all of this was that even though she was nowhere near hitting the calorie goal prescribed for her, it was still something in her body, and she was slowly gaining the energy back to just make it through the day. Her muscles weren’t as sore, her body didn’t feel like it was working as hard as it once had. She wasn’t binging or craving anything and she made sure to maintain control and incorporate only healthy, nutritious foods. Gwen focused on drinking more water to keep herself hydrated, too.

Another thing that was particularly hard with her newfound regimen was the fact that she had been advised to stay away from strenuous exercise. The one and only thing she wanted to do was to hit the gym to make herself feel better, especially as she was feeling more energized by the day, but she and been advised that the best thing for her would be to do simple things, such as going on walks, and nothing much more than that. She knew logically this made sense - hell, she wasn’t even getting enough into her and to exercise and get rid of more calories would ultimately just set her back even more, but it was hard. It was hard thinking about the holidays coming up and getting the invitations to various parties, dinners, and get-togethers, and trying to figure out how to navigate those. She felt herself slowly losing her sanity, but her ultimate focus just came back to one simple fact - this was how she was going to grow her family.

Gwen stood in the kitchen alone. It was mid-morning, and she had pulled out six or seven options for a mid-morning snack and laid them out neatly, almost obsessively, on the kitchen counter in front of her. She stared at the options as if they were supposed to decide for her. She began the elimination process. She felt she needed something on her stomach more solid, and settled on one of the protein english muffins she had just bought at the market the day before. Gwen took her time putting the other options away and retrieved the peanut butter from the cabinet, as well as a knife. She cut the flat english muffin in half, carefully, and she suddenly realized Gavin’s frame walking into the room.

“Hi, love,” he said, giving her a quick peck on the cheek before passing behind her to get to the fridge. He was getting one of those protein loaded breakfast smoothies he drank every morning before heading into the studio. The smell made Gwen’s nose crinkle in disgust, but that was what he loved. Gavin set the drink down on the counter next to her, retrieving a large water bottle behind it, before closing the fridge and setting the water next to his drink. Gwen dipped the knife carefully into the peanut butter container and began to spread the creamy substance on her snack.

Gavin’s eyes averted down to what Gwen was doing. He cocked his head a little bit, glanced up at her, then back to his own drinks in front of him. 

“There’s no way a nutritionist told you to eat that…” he began.

“What?” Gwen all but snapped, her eyes locking onto him immediately. 

“Well, whoever you met with must be living under a rock and must not realize you’re a rockstar - because it looks like they gave you advice for average people. Those english muffin things are as bad as eating those bleached, white, pathetic slices you Americans jokingly refer to as ‘bread’…”

She didn’t know what came over her, or where it came from, or in the moment, she definitely didn’t realize how loud it was. But the second the last word came out of his mouth, she let out the most frustrated, piercing scream she could have possibly mustered in that moment. She felt her anxiety at an all time high, and those last words had just been the absolute tipping point. Gwen didn’t hesitate in the next moment her arms flew out in front of her and swiped the entire contents of the counter off, sending everything crashing to the ground in one huge mess, Gavin’s precious breakfast smoothie included. “I’m not trying to be a rockstar. I’m trying to have a baby!"

“Am I not sick enough for you?!” she practically screamed, her hands going to the sides of her head as she slowly began to realize the damage. She didn’t care.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Gwen!” was his immediate reaction, as he jumped away once he realized everything on the counter would have been on him if he hadn’t moved. “Yes, you’re fucking ill, you’re fucking mentally ill!” he spat, his eyes still wide over the damage.

She didn’t know where it came from. She didn’t realize she had started crying. But in one quick, swift step forward towards him she mustered all of her strength and slapped him as hard as she could right across the face. Her eyes widened in shock and pain a moment later when she realized what she had done, he was wincing from the blow, and she just began crying harder. 

Gwen pushed herself past him and started running upstairs, away from him. 

“Don’t just fucking leave all of this shit on the ground!” he yelled after her, but she ignored him. She took the last step, turned towards the bedroom, took a few steps into their master bathroom and shut the door and locked it behind her. Her breathing was out of control as she tried to steady it through her sobs. She sank down to the ground next to the toilet, staring down into it as she held her head in her hands.

Get rid of it.

No.

Get rid of it.

Maybe I should.

Gwen pushed herself away and curled up into a ball on the floor, burying her sobs in her hands. She stayed like this for probably a good ten minutes, right before she heard a familiar baby voice booming over the baby monitors. Kingston had just woken up, she could tell because he did this really cute thing where it sounded like he was having a conversation with himself with the excessive, incoherent babbling that rang through the monitor for a good five minutes every time he woke up from a nap. She stood up immediately upon hearing it, her sobs subsiding, unlocked the bathroom door and went into the baby’s room. King grinned from ear to ear when he saw Gwen standing at the doorframe, and she couldn’t help but smile through her tear stained eyes at her baby boy. She went to close the door, which is when she realized Gavin had walked up right behind her, also responding to the call.

“Leave,” she demanded, simply closing the door in his face and locking it behind her. He must have gotten frustrated enough with her and left, because she didn’t hear anything from the other side of the door after that. This seemed like a better room to lock herself in, anyways.

King outstretched his little arms up at Gwen, and she pulled him into her, engulfing his little baby frame completely in a hug. He kissed his head and lightly kissed all over his face, making him giggle. She sat on the floor of his room with him, pulling out some of the toys in the nearby chest and getting lost watching him play. Perhaps fifteen minutes later, she heard the front door abruptly close shut, indicating that Gavin had left.

“Why don’t we go fix you some lunch, handsome boy,” she said, picking him up and kissing him on the cheeks again. She left the baby’s room, went downstairs, and looked into the mess of the kitchen. She rolled her eyes. Of course Gavin left this for her to take care of on top of caring for their son. Gwen took the baby over to the living room nearby, turned on the TV and set him up to be occupied with toys. She walked into the kitchen, picked everything up off the ground, and began cleaning up the spilled smoothie and other crumbs that had been collateral damage. 

Once she was done cleaning, she took a meal for King out of the fridge and warmed up part of it in the microwave. She sliced half of a banana and added it to the plate, setting the other half to the side. She looked at her baby’s meal, and took a deep breath. Her head turned to the fridge, opening it, and looking inside. She reached out and took a small container of brown rice and a small container of cooked vegetables, put them in a bowl together and put them in the microwave. Gwen reached over to the other half of the banana on the counter and began to eat it, anxiety and guilt surfacing, but she ultimately won out against it. 

She placed King’s meal on the dining room table, and set the vegetables and rice next to it once it got out of the microwave. She sat herself down, staring at the food in front of her that she prepared for herself, and forced herself to take a bite. She took a deep breath, exhaling, as she took a few more slow bites as she was forcing her anxiety away. In that moment, King came crawling over and started tugging at Gwen’s leg.

“Hi baby, are you hungry?” she asked, pulling him up and sitting him in his seat. She realized in that moment that all she had to do was focus on this precious baby boy of hers, and she would be okay.

 

 

\------------------------------

Blake had stretched out to lay on the couch, his long legs almost hanging off the sides, and he had pulled Gwen right on top of him, holding her. At some point he had reached out and pulled a blanket on top of them, knowing how much she easily got cold without one. He really couldn’t help himself anymore - this was the part of the story that did him in, even moreso than the rest, and his eyes were filled with tears as he just listened to her talk. It was worse, probably, because for the first time since this conversation started there were some parts that Gwen had to talk through while clinging onto his shirt tight, sobbing, and he just held her tighter through them. She didn’t stop talking though and kept on with it, even though she was doing it through her tears, and occasionally Blake made sure to rub his hands on her back or whisper “shhhh…” to calm her down a little, which was helpful. 

For the first time in a long time, her cheek pulled away from his chest and her head turned to look up at him. She locked eyes, and immediately her face fell, looking at his features.

“Please don’t cry about this,” she said softly, one of her hands reaching up to touch his cheek. “Because we all know if it’s bad enough and you’re crying, I’m never going to stop crying, and that’s a lot for you to have to deal with.” She tried making a joke and giving him a small smile, to which he chuckled a bit and his arms pulled her up on him a bit and closer.

“I can’t help it. I’m so sorry,” he offered, breaking their eye contact as he fought to compose himself. He was always so much better at that than she was. 

“I had no idea…you were living in literal hell and you had nobody there for you and, my god, Gwen, it just breaks my damn heart how much pain you’ve been through. And we’ve only made it to the year 2007!”

Gwen remained silent, a few silent tears just falling down one of her cheeks.

“For fuck’s sake though, Gwen, it’s about time you decked that asshole,” he quipped, causing both of them to laugh as she hugged onto him tighter.

“Oh my god, Blake. That was the only time in my entire life I had ever hit anyone. I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t even know it happened until after the damage was done. I had never done anything like that in my entire life…”

“Trust me, you get a pass on that one,” he said, kissing the top of her head. A few moments of silence, before he added, “But you started to take steps in the right direction. You did it back then…and you absolutely have the ability to do it again now.”

Gwen nodded a bit. “I wanted another baby,” she said.

“It doesn’t matter what the reason was, you were getting better. You knew something was wrong with how you were living, and you found the strength to try and fix it.”

“I was really horrible at fixing it on my own,” she added. “It took me a month to hit 1000 calories a day, and that was still nowhere near enough. I felt so guilty all the time. I felt huge. At least when you’re pregnant, you have an excuse. I never felt bad when I was pregnant because the baby inside of me was so much more important than whatever anyone else in the world had to say. Everyone always says that Apollo is the miracle baby, but god, Zuma was the first miracle baby that next year."


	7. Chapter 7

September 2008

Gwen’s eyes flashed to the alarm clock on her nightstand. 3:37 in the morning. She sighed quietly, frustrated that she had been up all night for at least the third night in a row. How she was still functioning during the day while taking care of two small boys was just beyond her.

She felt tired, but completely restless and unable to turn her brain off. She was sandwiched in her own bed between a baby Zuma and a tiny Kingston - a sight that made her heart swell with love - and then Gavin somewhere on the opposite side of the bed away from the three of them. That’s what it always seemed to be lately - the three of them, and then Gavin off somewhere else to the side without them. 

Gwen rolled onto her side and delicately stroked the fine blonde hairs on Zuma’s head as she watched him sleep. She was so enamored with the fact that she had this new addition in the family and was in awe of both of her boys every day. Her favorite thing in the world was to just spend lazy days watching them play, explore, and learn - she had largely faltered on any other commitments for the time being and was just enjoying being with them. 

Her eyes were focused on Zuma, but then Gavin began to stir a bit which automatically drew Gwen’s attention to him. His back was turned to her and he was sleeping on his stomach, and even though he was only a few feet away, he felt like a mile away. He was the man she fell in love with, but also the man that it seemed as if wanted nothing to do with her at times. Her heart ached for him. More than anything in the world, she just wanted to crawl over to his side of the bed and snuggle into his arms, try to create one of those rare moments where they were so sweet to one another, but she knew she couldn’t. The shock of not being able to do something like that with the man she was in love with completely tore her apart. She began to think about their complicated relationship.

The guilt surfaced. 

Her hand slowly traced down her stomach, slightly unfamiliar territory lately as she realized she was unable to feel her ribs poking through like she once had. She slid her hand down to her hip bone, and furrowed her brow when she grabbed a hold of it to realize the extra mound of flesh that had taken residence on it. She didn’t bother to move her hand any lower - she knew how disgusting her thighs were.

No wonder Gavin didn’t want to come near her. 

A few tears fell down her face silently as she laid there, her gaze averting up to the ceiling. Gwen closed her eyes in an effort to calm the tears, but it didn’t seem to be working.

What did you eat last night, anyway?

The familiar thought hit her like a freight train and was followed by a brief wave of panic. It was so familiar, like an old friend, and the anxiety hit instantly. She was struggling to remember, but at the same time, she knew it wasn’t acceptable and immediately tried the opposite approach to block it out of her head. She was remembering food - oatmeal, greek yogurt, crackers with peanut butter, fruit - but she didn’t know numbers. How did she not know numbers? Because you stopped counting calories, stupid. The anxiety gripped her as she suddenly felt sick. You wanted a baby, you idiot. Was it worth it?

Her eyes flashed over to Zuma, still sound asleep. Gwen turned on her side a little bit towards him, lightly rubbing his back and placing a kiss on his head. God yes, this precious baby boy was worth it.

So now what’s your fucking excuse?

Her mind flashed back to Gavin, and she took a deep, but quiet shaky breath in. She remembered how he was with her right after Kingston was born - she didn’t feel wanted, she felt embarrassed, he put pressure on her to ‘fix herself back up’ as fast as possible, as he put it, and even after King started growing up and she was trying to have another baby he still constantly nitpicked at everything she did. Actually, it was a miracle that Zuma was even conceived with how little Gavin wanted to do with her. Gavin would get in these moods of wanting to dominate Gwen in the bedroom and had this undeniable urge to force himself on her roughly, which she let him do time and time again because it’s the only time she ever felt worth anything. It hurt the way he liked to fuck her, but it was better than the emptiness of feeling nothing at all. It was better than zero contact and waiting and anticipating when he might get sick of her and throw her away. 

You don’t have a fucking excuse anymore. Get up. Get up right now. Fix your sins.

Gwen sat upright at the urging of the thoughts that were flooding her head, tears still streaming down from her eyes. She carefully moved off of the end of the bed as to not disturb the babies, and stood still for a moment with her arms crossed. Her breathing quickened - the familiar beginnings of a panic attack. She was going to lose her husband. She was going to lose her babies. She was going to lose her family, her career, everything in her life that mattered and it was all because she failed as a wife. Her breathing became more erratic as her hands ran through her blonde hair. She quickly and quietly sprinted out of the room as she made her way downstairs, not having a destination in mind but just having so much sudden built up energy that she needed to move, and also get away from them as she started gasping for air. She sat on the couch, clutching her arms around her stomach as the tears continued to come and her breathing remained erratic. It had been so long since she had last had a full on panic attack, and this was definitely not a feeling she ever wanted to feel again. 

In a sudden and unexpected motion, Gwen was on her feet again. Her legs found her way to the kitchen. Her hands fumbled with one of the cabinets under the sink. Her arms extended out and grabbed a can of air freshener. The cabinet door shut, and she was off to the fridge. Her hands grabbed at the doors desperately as her eyes fell upon the mess that was her fridge. Without hesitating or thinking, her hands went in and she started grabbing everything that was hers - she navigated around Gavin’s food, and it was easy to bypass the kid’s food, but everything else had to go. She opened her greek yogurt containers and dumped them in the trash. She opened shredded cheese packets and dumped the contents out, too. She grabbed vegetables, brown rice, leftovers, anything that she would have possibly had an urge to eat and she dumped them out into the trash one after another. Once she was satisfied that everything left was either Gavin’s that she would never touch or her kids, she moved onto the cabinets and did the same thing. Bread - gone. English muffins - trashed. Peanut butter - never fucking again. As she finished, she shook the can of air freshener and sprayed the entire bag of discarded groceries.

It felt like a victory in the face of the adversary. She was so worked up, upset, anxious, that she dropped the can of air freshener to the side as she closed up all the doors, getting out of the kitchen immediately now that she had destroyed all of the food. Her legs carried her downstairs to the basement gym and without hesitating, and fighting through tears, she jumped on the elliptical machine and ran on it as fast as she could for as long as she could. Her joints ached, she was sweating profusely, tears were streaming and soon she got herself so worked up that between her breathing hard from the running and her panic attack that hadn’t fully stopped, she was forced to jump off the machine and landed on her knees on the ground, holding her head in her hands.

She felt dizzy. Her body was aching everywhere. She laid her head down on the cold mat, curling her body up into a ball as she willed herself to calm down. Eventually, she got so exhausted from it all that she fell asleep.

\---

“Gwen?…..Gwen??"

Gwen awoke with a jolt a few hours later, coming up into a sitting position and looking around a bit confused. Her body pulsated pain down her left side which had been laying on the cold hard ground for the past few hours, and she massaged her jaw with her fingers lightly. Her fingers gently rubbed her eyes and she practically jumped out of her skin when she felt a hand rest on her back. She gasped and whipped her head around and came face to face with Gavin.

“Gavin?” her voice cracked, unsure if he was really standing there. She quickly stood to her feet as the reality of the night began to sink in. Gwen closed her eyes quickly as soon as she realized she was getting emotional again, a tear streaming down her cheek before she could help it. She looked at him visibly upset, desperate for him. He looked back at her, more confused than anything else, and unsure what to make of the situation.

“Why are you down here, Gwen?” he asked her, keeping his attention focused on only her. “And why is the kitchen a mess?”

Her eyes still full of tears that had yet to fall, she felt her body lean towards him to close the gap between them. She felt her hand start to reach out for him. But before she was able to touch him, she retreated immediately and turned to leave.

“I’ll take care of it later,” she managed, wrapping her arms tightly around herself as she jogged up the stairs and away from him. She shut the door to the basement behind her and her back slid down the door immediately, unable to hold her sobs back anymore. She was so embarrassed around him and anxious about everything. She couldn’t tell him what was going on because she was the problem. She had messed everything up. 

And it was day one all over again.

 

\-------------------

“You relapsed,” Blake observed gently, once the silence took over the room once again.

“Yea,” was all Gwen said in response. 

“What were you trying to do with the air freshener?” he inquired next.

“It’s the fastest way to destroy food. Make it inedible. When your lunch is covered in a toxic cleaning supply, it’s far less temping to sneak a bite you’re not supposed to.”

“Oh."

It physically pained her when she realized how upset she was making Blake over telling him all of this. He shouldn’t have to deal with this. He should have fallen in love with a normal girl, one without problems or kids or anything else that would hold him back. Why did she have to go and screw everything up again?

“I remember that day…the day I started again. I did fourteen days straight just living on bottled water. On the fifteenth day I was the sickest I had ever felt and allowed myself one protein drink. 200 calories. 15 grams of protein. And I did that for the longest time until I got back to where I had been on tour.” She paused. “How fucked up is that that I can remember the diet I was on eight years ago but I can’t tell you a damn thing that happened in the meeting with my manager last week?”

“Hey,” Blake said quietly, nudging her, which caused Gwen to turn her head and look up at him. She seemed to take a small deep breath at the sight of him, as they just seemed to look at one another for a few moments. “I love you,” he said softly. A small smile showed on the corner of her mouth as she moved up a little on him, gently placing a kiss on his lips. Her arms wrapped around his neck as she continued to kiss him slowly, tenderly. 

“Why are you not running for the hills?” she asked in a whisper, her brown eyes lost in a sea of blue. 

“Because this isn’t something that warrants leaving a relationship, Gwen,” he replied, taking her cheeks in his hands as he continued to talk. “You’re not doing well. You’ve been through so much. You spent years married to a guy that was stupid enough to not wrap his arms around you every day, show you affection, and tell you how amazing you are. You’ve never had any kind of support to get through this - actually, it sounds like you had so many things in your life that contributed to making it worse. I want to be the person that gets to hold you every day, remind you what a brilliant woman you are, and I want you to feel so loved that we can make this go away.”

“You can’t love this part of me away,” she replied quietly.

“I know. I know it requires a lot of stuff to work through. But I’m going to try. And I’m going to be here for you ever single step of the way.” Those final words alone were so tender, it hurt to hear them. She leaned forward again and planted a slow kiss on his lips.

“Really, though, I have no idea when you had time to get over everything Gavin did and said to you during those years and then on top of that find time to sleep with him to get pregnant,” he quipped. “I mean don’t get me wrong, I love Zuma to death, but when did you even…?”

Gwen laughed a little, shaking her head and looking down at his chest. “Oh god…just, no,” she started, biting her lip as her eyes went back up to him. “Sex with Gavin was never about love. It was always about him wanting to throw me around a bit. He was always really rough. I never walked away from a night with him without at least three areas on my body sore.” She shook her head, almost shocked that she had ever lived life like that. "When he wanted it, I gave it to him. It was better than feeling nothing at all." 

Blake was so different and had made her feel so much, and while they did like it rough now and then, Blake was so, so good at being gentle with her, too. 

“You’re nothing like him, Blake. You take care of me. You make me feel so loved. He couldn’t do that. I was so scared throughout at least half of our marriage to even just go over to him and cuddle up next to him for fear of rejection. I’m calm around you. If I’m upset, I just need to hold onto you and you’re like a drug to me. You’re better than a drug to me, actually. You have no idea how amazing you are.” 

And with that, she cuddled up to him again and hugged him, not letting go, as her mind was reeling on where to take the story next.


	8. Chapter 8

February 2009

Gwen was so excited, she hadn’t seen her brother Todd since Christmas. 

Work had just been so crazy on his end on top of a few trips out of the country, and she was finally able to make plans to see her brother to go out for lunch. She bounced a baby Zuma on her hip as she waited expectantly near the tall, oversized doors of her home for the familiar flashing lights of his SUV. She didn’t have to wait long, though, as Todd was always punctual and pulled into her driveway right on time. A big smile came over her face as she pushed open the heavy door, making her way out to see him excitedly.

“Todd!”

“G!”

His taller frame engulfed both Gwen and Zuma in a hug immediately as their paths crossed in the driveway. “It’s so good to see you,” he said warmly, as he pulled back a little and ruffled the top of Zuma’s head. “And he’s gotten so big!”

“I know, it’s crazy, isn’t it?” Gwen said, as she looked down and admired her baby boy. 

“Don’t you have another kid somewhere around here?” he asked, looking around and behind her for emphasis. Gwen giggled a bit and bounced Zuma up on her hip to get a better grip. “King is with Gavin today,” she responded, which made Todd’s face give her an incredulous look in return. “Stop it, you’re so bad,” she teased, nudging him.

Todd pulled his attention off of the baby for a moment and looked over to Gwen, his gaze staying on her for more than the five seconds it had been when he had just arrived at the house. His smile was slowly beginning to fade as he watched her cuddle Zuma, bouncing a little back in forth to keep him occupied.

“Gwen, what’s wrong?” he said suddenly, his features turning into a look of concern as he reached out and placed a hand on her arm. Even though it was colder outside and she had her body covered, he could feel how bony she was by that touch, which made him even more worried.

“What?” she said, honestly confused. “Nothing is wrong, nothing at all. I’m so happy to see you.”

“You look…different.”

“Ummm. Thank you?” she asked, questioningly. 

“No, no. Gwen…something is wrong. You look sick. You are deathly thin…”

Her attention snapped away from Zuma and up to him at his comment, and she stared at him dumbfounded. And before she could even help it, a small chuckle escaped her lips as she shook her head and moved past him, forcing his hand away from her shoulder. “Wow Todd, good one,” she said, shrugging it off. Gwen moved to his backseat and was relieved to see that Todd had grabbed the extra carseat for Zuma that he kept and she began buckling the baby in tight. She felt him watching her from behind, which made her uncomfortable, but when there were no more buckles to fasten she was forced to turn herself around to face him.

“What, Todd? You’re giving me the creeps,” Gwen said.

“I’m serious, you look awful. You look exhausted…you look like the life has literally been sucked right out of you.”

“Are you trying and failing really hard right now to give me a compliment, or—?”

“Stop deflecting my questions every two seconds,” he quipped, frustrated. 

“Oh my god. Todd. Please take a chill pill. I’ve been under the weather this week, it will pass. I’m so glad to know how awful I look just as we’re about to go out in public, thanks idiot,” she responded, and crossed her arms. “Can we just go?” She wasn’t angry, she was just uncomfortable. She fidgeted a bit. Todd knew something was wrong and he couldn’t figure out what just yet, but he knew he was going to spend this lunch trying his hardest to figure it out.

Todd picked the restaurant - he always did. Within fifteen minutes, the SUV was pulling into the parking lot of one of LA’s freshest Mexican restaurants. Gwen’s stomach did a somersault in anticipation and anxiety over his choice. Of all the types of food, why did he have to pick Mexican? They sat down at a table and her eyes went all over the menu, trying to find something, anything, that was close to acceptable. She knew she could push food around on the plate if she needed to and make it look like it was eaten more than it actually was, but she knew she would have to take a few bites of it, too. And those few bites would have to be the least damaging as possible, despite the fact that she wasn’t allowing herself any other calories that day except whatever damage would be done here. 

“Vegetable fajitas,” Gwen ordered, closing the menu and handing it to the server. "I really just want the vegetables and the rice though, you don’t have to worry about any of the other toppings.” Todd was looking at her, she felt it, but she held out long enough that he looked away. He ordered his food, and soon the waiter was coming back with chips and salsa and sat it in the middle of them.

Todd reached out for a chip, dipping it in the salsa, and eating it while he looked at Gwen. Gwen’s hands remained in her lap as she kept her attention between Zuma and Todd.

“You’re not going to have any?” he asked, gesturing to the chips.

“Oh, no. I’m not really eating that kind of stuff right now.”

“I see.”

The tone of his voice was a little off-putting, which contributed to a strangely weird and awkward environment between the two of them. “So, tell me about your vacation…” she said, desperately trying to not make this an entire lunch of him staring at her weirdly. Seriously, what was up with him?

He took the bait, she was thankful, and he started delving into stories about his time in Hawaii. He was telling some story about him trying to get up on a surfboard when Gwen’s eyes flashed around the room briefly, feeling a bit anxious. She watched the other guests in the establishment digging into their giant plates of food without a second thought. There were some people drinking huge margaritas and others just gorging themselves on chocolate cake. That mentality was so foreign to her, and even though she wasn’t partaking, it make her even more anxious.

“Gwen?” she heard her name, suddenly. Her head snapped back to Todd. 

“Yeah? Sorry,” she responded. “I’m listening, I swear.”

Before he could get another word out, the waiter brought over their food. He placed a giant plate in front of Gwen - twice the size of her head, she guessed, filled with vegetables and rice, as well as lettuce and salsa on the side. She stared at it for a moment, almost defeated, before turning her attention to the baby. Todd started on about one of his vacation stories again as Gwen started feeding Zuma, even a few things off of her own plate. It only took Todd a good ten minutes for his frustration to build with what he was seeing.

“Were you planning on eating any of that yourself, or were you just thinking you could make Zuma eat it for you?”

She looked up to him immediately, eyes widened a bit in shock as she took in the words. “What are you talking about? I’ve been eating. But I also have a baby to feed…it’s called being a mother and multitasking.” She held her ground. 

“Don’t lie to me. You haven’t taken a bite of food since we sat down.”

“What the hell? Are you watching me now, or something?”

“Someone has to, it seems.”

“Todd, fuck, can you just drop it and leave me alone?” her voice cracked a little as she fought to hold herself together, feeling herself start to get upset. Todd’s frustrated face turned into one of concern as he just looked at his sister, dumbfounded. “I’m just stressed and my stomach is in knots all the time and it’s just really hard right now, okay?” A single tear streamed down her cheek and she wiped it away discreetly, forcing herself not to cry anymore in public.

He wasn’t convinced, but he didn’t push her any further about it. Gwen picked up her fork, stabbed it into a vegetable, and ate it while looking at him defiantly. She put her fork down and crossed her arms, not wanting to be there anymore.

“I’m sorry,” was all he could manage without lying. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Can you just take us home now? I think I really just need to take a nap.”

“Okay.”

After the bill was paid and Zuma was cleaned up, they got back into the car in silence. Todd drove the fifteen minute drive back to Gwen’s place, as his mind replayed the last hour and wondering where it had gone so wrong. When they arrived back, Gavin’s car was in the driveway, indicating that him and King must have been home. 

“Hey, I’d really like to go say hi to Kingston,” Todd said once they parked, looking over to his sister. “That’s fine,” Gwen responded, nonchalantly, as she retrieved Zuma from the backseat and started to make her way inside with the baby, Todd a few feet behind her. Once inside, Gwen turned to go upstairs to put Zuma down for a nap and take one herself. Gavin was in the living room, and Todd walked in to talk to him.

“Hey Gavin, where’s King?” Todd inquired.

“King fell asleep on the way back, he’s upstairs sleeping.”

“I see.”

There was a silence between the two of them.

“Gavin, can we step outside for a minute? I really need to talk to you about something.” Gavin raised an eyebrow but nodded, following Todd into the back yard.

“What’s up, mate?” Gavin asked once the door was closed completely.

“Gavin, what the hell is going on with my sister? Why does she look like that?” Todd could feel himself getting frustrated, which was obviously coming through in his voice, but he wasn’t getting angry. Not yet.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. She looks fine to me,” Gavin shrugged, sincerely looking as if he had no idea what Todd was on about.

“Oh my god. Gavin. She is flesh and bones. Mentally, it feels like she is on another planet with how spaced out she is. And we just spent an hour at a restaurant and she ate literally one bite of a vegetable and moved the rest around her plate, or fed it to Zuma. She’s moody and defensive. That is not my sister in there. Something is wrong with her. How can you not see that?”

“Mate, what I see in there is a woman that’s tired from being a mother like a normal person, and one who’s on a diet because she wants to get her career back on track. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Are you blind?!” he was raising his voice now, shocked at the mere audacity of what he was hearing. “Is this the diet where the end result is death? Because she looks pretty damn close!”

“You need to keep your voice down in my house,” Gavin warned, standing his ground. “She might be your sister, but she’s my wife. I live with her and see her every day. She doesn’t have a problem. She’s dedicated to her career and getting herself back into great shape.” He paused, considering his words for a moment. “Besides, times have changed. Size 0 is the new Size 2, and she’s just making sure she meets that standard for when she goes back.”

Todd didn’t even let the last words fully come out of Gavin’s mouth before he lurched forward and punched him square in the face as hard as humanly possible. 

“What the fuck?!” he yelled angrily, shocked about the blow and not hesitating to lurch forward to return one right towards Todd’s face. He was ready, though, and was able to catch the blow before it came near him. Todd shoved Gavin against the wall and held him there by the throat.

“No, what the fuck is wrong with you?! Can’t you see what’s right in front of your eyes?! How dare you say that about her!” and with that, Todd delivered another blow right across Gavin’s face.

Gwen heard the sudden commotion coming from the back yard and as soon as she checked on both of her sleeping boys and closed the doors, she sprinted downstairs. She opened the back patio door and the first sight she saw was Todd pinning Gavin up against the wall, holding him by the throat. She opened the door just in time to see him deliver the second blow.

“Stop!” she screamed, running over to them.

“Stay out of this, Gwen! Go back inside!” Todd demanded of her, but she wasn’t going to take that. She started getting upset and forcefully grabbed Todd’s shoulder, trying with all of her strength to pull him off of Gavin. 

“Just stop, please stop,” she was begging him. Gavin shifted under Todd in an attempt to break free of his grasp which sent Todd’s arm flying back, accidentally hitting Gwen in the face as collateral damage as it knocked her to the ground. Once Todd realized what had happened he let go of Gavin immediately, and knelt down next to Gwen.

“Jesus, Gwen, are you okay?” he asked, worried, as his hand went to her back. She was crying, holding her head in her hands trying to both compose herself and hold onto the injury on her face.

“What the fuck is with you and your family having this urge to hit me all of the time?” Gavin spat, turning on his heel and storming inside, away from them.

Todd ignored him. “Gwen…?”

“Todd, just go home. Please, just go home.”

“Let me see your face.”

“Leave.”

“Gwen,” he said, sternly. 

It took her a few minutes, but finally Gwen let him gently bring her chin up to look at him and he observed a gash on the corner of her mouth from where his elbow had rebounded and hit her. Gwen’s hand went over it as she felt the pain throbbing. He reached out to touch her, and she immediately pulled away from him.

“Leave,” she said, firmly, avoiding eye contact with him. Her arms crossed one over the other as she moved away more, keeping to herself. It broke his heart. But he knew she was done.

“Okay,” he finally agreed, standing up. He hovered for a moment and looked down at his sister, who remained on the ground. She curled herself up in a ball as a few more tears fell down her cheeks. Todd stayed standing there, lingering for the moment. After a little while he took a step towards her and bent down a bit, offering his hand to help her up. Gwen looked at his hand, thought about refusing, but didn’t hesitate to take his hand for him to help her stand up. And, much to Todd’s surprise, the moment Gwen was on her feet she had closed the gap between the two of them, wrapping her arms around Todd’s waist, and just started crying harder. 

Todd held onto her tightly, surprised over how upset she was and equally as surprised that she was letting him hold her. “I’m….so done, Todd,” she managed through her sobs, clinging onto him a little tighter.

“Done with what?” she asked quietly, delicately. 

“I’m just done.”

 

\--------------------------------------

“Gwen…it’s almost three o’clock in the afternoon, babe.”

“So? Did you have somewhere else to be?” she responded in a slightly joking tone. 

“No. But the doctor said…”

Blake wasn’t able to finish his sentence before Gwen was pushing herself up into a sitting position, out of his arms. He slowly sat up into one himself on the couch, as Gwen had backed away to the other side of the couch and pulled her legs up in front of her.

“Don’t,” she warned. 

Blake wasn’t sure how to respond in that moment, or really what he had done to trigger such a harsh response in the first place. His eyes remained fixated on her. As he watched, her mind seemed to be going a thousand miles a minute. Eventually, her gaze went back to him.

“Why did you have to say that?” her voice was a bit accusatory, as if he had done something wrong. In her eyes, he had. He reached out and took her hands into his, and forced eye contact with her.

“I’m not going to let you push me away like you did with Todd,” he said, sternly, but still in a caring manner. “You don’t get to do that to me. “We are going to get you through this, but I need you to listen to me. I need you to trust me, to work with me.”

His voice was so tender that it brought her back down to earth. The anger and pressure she felt that had suddenly flared up at those four words seemed to subside. “Stop pressuring me,” she said in a whisper, averting her gaze away from him. “I feel pressured.”

“No, you don’t feel pressured. You feel anxious and scared. Tell me the truth,” he replied, squeezing her hands in his again.

“I feel anxious and scared,” she admitted, even though she was embarrassed to. It was so much easier to use Blake as a scapegoat of making her feel some way instead of just owning up to how she felt about things herself. 

“I convinced them to release you today because I promised I would take care of you,” Blake reminded her. “You need to try and eat something. What do you want? I’ll get it for you and you can just stay right here, ok?”

Gwen’s face wrinkled in angst as she wasn’t ready for that question. She didn’t want anything. But she wanted everything. She couldn’t have anything. Blake gently rubbed his hands on top of her legs as he let her process, knowing that in her mind what he just asked her was a loaded and complicated question.

“I just want a protein drink,” she concluded, finally. Blake gave her a look, but before he could get a word out, she continued. “Please. I know you’re going to say that it’s not real food, but I can’t handle anything else right now. It’s calories and nutrients and something is better than nothing, right?” Her eyes looked up and met his, he only seemed half convinced. “I promise I’ll eat some of whatever you make us for dinner,” she offered.

He hesitated, but eventually gave in. “Okay,” he responded, leaning forward to kiss her forehead. He got up and went to the kitchen, retrieving one of Gwen’s drinks for her, and bringing it back to the couch. She took it from him as he sat back down next to her, shook it, and opened the cap on it. She took a deep breath in as she looked down into the bottle, soon bringing it up to her lips to drink it.

“I have to say, I really do love how the Stefani family seems to keep beating up your asshole ex-husband. I earned some extra respect for Todd after that…” Blake grinned, which caused Gwen to giggle in response. She looked at him, tentatively, before moving slowly back over towards him to close the gap between them. Gwen snuggled up against her cowboy as she slowly continued to take sips of her drink.

"Yeah, he's pretty great," she agreed quietly, letting out a breath she hadn't realized she had been holding in.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there, loves! First of all, I want to take a moment again and say THANK YOU. I read all of your comments and love feeling all of the love. It's hard to publish stories that are so personal to me and your support, reactions, and encouragement means the world.
> 
> Secondly, I think I need to take a moment to remind others that this is fan fiction. Thanks to Urban Dictionary.com, we have a definition for you, which is as follows: "Fanfiction is when someone takes either the story or characters (or both) of a certain piece of work, whether it be a novel, tv show, movie, etc, and create their own story based on it." Nobody has ever once said that this is a true story. If you do not want to read this story, nobody is forcing you to do so. Please take your negativity elsewhere.
> 
> This story is hard to write, and I'm sure it can be hard to read. Thank you to those who have stuck with me <3

June 2013

 

You’re pregnant.

The words continued to ring in her ear. It was an utter shock, to put it mildly, when she had gone in to her doctor’s office for feeling sick but coming out with a congratulations and a follow up appointment set for the week after. She took a deep, nervous breath. Gwen was quite confused and overly anxious over how this happened - she thought considering her age and her level of exhaustion all the time, something like this could never happen. The news didn’t come without a few strict warnings, though. When she did get into that follow up appointment the following week, they did all of the typical tests, with blood work, to make sure everything was alright. The doctor had said that the heartbeat was faint compared to where he wanted it to be at that stage, and there was a big possibility of complications, including losing the baby altogether. Even though she had only known this little soul in her stomach for a week, those words alone made her start crying in the middle of the doctor’s office. 

One of the nurses had come over to her to help calm her down, something she desperately needed to do as the nurse reminded her that it puts more stress on the baby if she got upset about anything. She was sent home with another follow up appointment set as well as information about nutrition and things that she should and shouldn’t do, considering this was such a risky pregnancy. All she could think of as she stared at it was how tired she was of everyone trying to force her onto some type of diet - herself, Gavin, her record label, and now a doctor…

She knew that last thought sounded stupid, but god, she was just so sick and tired of all of this. 

Gwen got home and saw Gavin’s BMW in the driveway. He had been in England for the past few weeks and was due back today, though she hadn’t been expecting him back until later. She parked and took the keys out of her car, but froze, as the doors to her home opened and Gavin was walking out with someone. A woman that looked as if she was in her twenties, someone she hadn’t seen before. She watched as Gavin gave her a hug and a quick peck on the cheek, and her stomach did a somersault. Gavin closed the door behind him, and Gwen closed the car door as she sat there, her mind reeling.

She had her suspicions that Gavin wasn’t being faithful in their marriage, but to see a woman walking out of her own really did a number on her. She took a deep, shaky breath in. Was she jumping to conclusions? Maybe that was something completely innocent…but who was so important that Gavin would have needed to see her the day he got back from being in England for two weeks? She watched the younger woman get into a small Nissan on the other side of her driveway and soon watched her drive off. Gwen took another shaky breath in, and pulled her phone out to dial a number.

“Todd?” she asked, her voice cracking a bit even though she was trying her best to control it. “Hey, yeah…I’m ok. Is it ok if I come over?” She spoke with him for a few minutes before hanging up, turning the key in the ignition, and driving to her brother’s home.

She softly knocked on the front door to his home, and it only took a moment before Todd opened the door. “G!” he said excitedly. Gwen forced a smile between a few tears that fell behind her dark sunglasses. She wiped them quickly, and Todd’s face fell. “Are you okay?”

“Hey brother…yeah, I’m okay, I’m okay,” she nodded, smiling again, walking a few steps inside and giving him a hug. Todd hugged her back, and when Gwen let go, he reached forward slightly to remove her sunglasses from her face. She was crying more than he had thought.

“I just couldn’t bring myself to go into my house. But I didn’t want to be alone either. Is it okay that I’m here?”

“Gwen, of course it’s okay that you’re here,” Todd replied immediately, closing the front door. “Come on, I just made some coffee.”

A few minutes later, Todd had poured them both a cup of coffee and they were sitting in his living room. Gwen didn’t hesitate to start talking. “I’m sorry,” she began, apologizing again like she had on the phone. “I just couldn’t go home. I’m overwhelmed. I have so much happening in my head and I haven’t told anyone. I…I got home and saw someone leaving the house, a younger woman I’ve never seen before. Gavin kissed her on the cheek and I watched her from the other side of the driveway drive off. And I haven’t seen him in two weeks and I’m pregnant and…”

“Wait, you’re pregnant?!” Todd interrupted her, a grin coming across his features. “Gwen, that’s amazing! Aren’t you happy?”

“Todd, I’m scared”

“Why?”

Gwen took a deep breath in. “I had my doctor’s appointment today and the heartbeat was really weak. It’s a risky pregnancy and said there’s an elevated risk I could lose the baby. You’re the first one I’ve told about it. They gave me all of this…” she paused, reaching into her purse, as she pulled out the large, overstuffed folder of information that she had barely looked at, and put it between them on the couch. Todd picked it up, and looked through some of it as she kept talking. “I can’t even read it I’m so nervous. Gavin doesn’t even know. I mean this is just the worst time ever. I’ve been thinking for a while that he’s been cheating and now…I mean it could have been nothing but I just don’t know what to think.”

Todd was still looking through the reading material, and he let Gwen keep rambling. He knew that she tended to ramble when she needed to get things off of her chest or work through something, and he gave that to her when she needed it. When silence fell between the two of them again, Todd closed the folder and set it to the side. “Gwen, all of that just says to be careful. Don’t do anything stupid or physically risky, like horseback riding. And…” he paused, and for emphasis of his next words he leaned forward and put his hands on her shoulders to make her look at him. “And you need to do a lot better job of taking care of yourself if you want this baby.”

Gwen let a breath out as she looked at her brother. His words were firm, but his tone was calming.

“But Gavin…”

“But Gavin WHAT?”

Gwen was a little taken aback at the utter annoyance Todd let slip out of his mouth over the mention of her husband, which showed as she fell silent for a few moments. Eventually, she responded. “But Gavin…I don’t even know if he wants another kid. He might be cheating. And he’s going to get mad if we have to go through all of this again. And the pressure might actually kill me this time.”

Todd sighed, frustrated, but not taking it out on his sister. “Would you listen to yourself for a minute and hear the words that are coming out of you?” he began, still not showing his frustration. “What pressure? What are you talking about?”

Gwen’s hands ran through her hair and they fell into her lap. Her anxiety seemed to be climbing in front of his eyes and she seemed to be on the verge of getting even more upset. “Gwen, I need you to take some deep breaths and calm down,” Todd said, holding her shoulders. “You need to think about the baby. You can’t get upset like this. We’re going to work everything out, and everything will be okay in the end.”

Gwen nodded at him, taking his advice as she forced herself to take deep breaths in and out, eventually calming. 

“This is what you need to do,” Todd said, once he realized she was calmer. “You need to tell Gavin about the pregnancy. You need to also ask him about who that woman was at the house earlier. And you need to focus on taking care of yourself. Anything less than that, and you’re going to be a wreck and you will lose that baby.”

The words had shocked her again, and she really wished that people would stop saying those words to her even if they were true and she needed to be aware. Gwen nodded in response. She spent another hour or so with her brother that afternoon, and soon found herself back in her car on the way back to her own home. She pulled the keys out of the ignition again, a familiar feeling coming over her, and she pushed the doors open into her home and made her way into the home.

First thing was first - she needed to take care of herself. She sighed, making her way into the kitchen so normally, which was odd because it was the one place she typically avoided like the plague. Gwen opened the fridge and pulled out leftover vegetables and quinoa, and warmed some up in a bowl. Gwen took a few bites as she sat at the island in the kitchen for a moment, before standing to go and find her husband.

“Gavin?” she called out, as she entered their bedroom. He was sitting on his side of the bed with a book, and barely looked up when she came in. “Hi babe,” he said simply, not diverting his attention. Gwen had had enough. She walked over to his side of the bed, reached out and took his book away from him. “I really need to talk to you about something very important,” the words hung between them in the air, and for once, Gavin looked surprised, and maybe even a little worried. Gwen pushed the duvet cover off of him and she moved to sit on top of him, looking at him in the eyes. Her hands gently rested on the back of his neck as Gavin’s arms went around her waist.

“Well if you really wanted me to fuck you this bad, you should have just said so,” Gavin sneered, moving in to kiss her roughly as his hands grabbed onto her hips just as hard.

“Gavin, no…no, stop it, please,” she panicked, her hands trying to loosen his grip on her once she pulled away from his embrace. Eventually he let go, and a moment later he just rolled his eyes.

“God Gwen, what’s your problem? I haven’t been here for two weeks, our marriage has sucked lately, and I’m here trying to show you affection and you’re pushing me off of you?” he said, frustrated. 

“Gavin I’m trying to talk to you about something important…” her voice cracked, as she moved off of him in one swift motion and towards her side of the bed.

“What? What is it, then?” he said frustrated. It was all too much for her and she pushed herself up off of the bed, crossed her arms over herself protectively, and willed herself to not get upset.

“Oh, nothing. I just thought you’d want to know that your wife is pregnant, the baby she has in her stomach might die because the pregnancy is so high risk, and I saw you kiss some woman leaving our house a few hours ago. But please…” she picked up the book he had been reading before off of the bed and threw it at him. “Keep reading your fucking book.” Gwen turned on her heel and left the room, not even waiting for his response. 

————

“He was cheating on me then,” Gwen commented, as she took another sip of her protein drink. “I mean, I knew it was just more than the nanny. I felt it for a long time. I can’t really explain.” She took another sip, realized she finished it, and looked up to Blake and handed it to him. Blake took it from her gently, and reached behind him to put it on the table. He leaned forward and started planting kisses all over her face, which made Gwen’s face wrinkle up as she giggled. In a quick motion, Blake moved to lay Gwen on her back on the opposite side of the couch, Blake gently laying himself on top of her in between her legs. His chin rested on her stomach as he looked up to her.

Gwen giggled again, as she took in the sight of Blake laying on top of her and staring at her from a funny position. But god, the best feeling in the entire world was when she felt the weight of him laying on top of her. “Proud of you,” he whispered, moving up a bit on her body to plant a kiss on her lips. Gwen’s hand immediately rested on his cheek as she deepened the kiss, her other hand resting on his arm.

“Love you,” she responded. 

“I don’t think you realize how strong you are. You are seriously the strongest person I’ve ever met.”

“What? You’re crazy.”

“Why is that?”

“Blake, all of these stories I’ve been telling you end up in one of three ways - I’m crying the entire time, I’m weak and giving into all of my issues and not trying to fight them, or I’m doing something that someone else told me I needed to do in order to please them. Where is any of those scenarios is me being strong, exactly?”

“But that’s not what I see,” Blake responded, his hands resting lightly on her sides. “I see someone who keeps fighting to stay alive. I see someone who keeps fighting to make sure her boys are healthy and they have everything they need. I see someone who is constantly putting the needs of others before herself. I see strength in knowing that there were some times that were so bad for you that you were probably near death, and other times when you were able to fight to be able to have your kids. Don’t discount any of that just because you’re not perfect and you’ve made mistakes.”

“I really don’t know why you say things like that to me. You know things like that made me cry,” Gwen said, looking up to the ceiling as her eyes began to water. 

“I don’t mean to,” Blake said in an apologetic tone. “But…it makes me know that you hear me. You’re listening to me. That you’re not trying to compartmentalize your feelings in this conversation.”

Gwen’s hand went up to his head, gently rubbing her hand around his messy curls. The corners of her lips turned up into a small smile as she wrapped herself around him a little bit more. 

“That was a really hard pregnancy, though,” she continued. “I actually fainted a few times. Towards the end they put me on bed rest. The boys and I spent a lot of time staying with my parents, which was probably the best and it helped keep me calmer to make sure nothing happened.”

“That was definitely smart,” Blake commented. “I don’t even want to think what would have happened if you had to live with Gavin that entire time by yourself…”

“Yeah,” she said quietly. 

“But I took care of myself. I went back to the same routine I did when I was pregnant with Zuma. And…to be honest, it even stuck for a while after Apollo was born. I felt like I was getting better. I had hard days, but god, when you have three boys to chase after it just got to the point that I needed energy desperately. And I just had this gut feeling all the time that I needed to fight it harder, because my boys were worth it and we were all going to be ok. We were all going to be ok…” her words trailed off.

“….what happened that brought you back to it after that?” Blake asked, gently. 

“February 9th. February 9th happened."


	10. Chapter 10

February 2015

She should have seen it coming. But then again, you never really could with these things.

It felt like she lived an entire lifetime in a certain kind of hell. Even reflecting back to the beginning stages of her relationship with Gavin, it was all hell in some form or fashion. There were enough good times that it seemed to save all of the bad, and she even felt angry over the fact that it was ever good at all. It was official - Gavin had ruined her life. And she had no idea how she could even begin to think about how she was going to bounce back from this one.

This wasn’t a Tony situation where both of them were younger, and frankly stupid on some level. She had had to grow up and be professional because how invested they were in the band together, but in the end, it was somewhat of a clean break. They both understood the situation, remained friends by the grace of God, and ended up as a great support system for one another. But God, Gavin…he really ripped her to shreds. A thirteen year marriage, three boys, and so much complication sat between them. And this was the beginning of her hell.

Gwen didn’t hesitate to kick him out of the house. Gavin tried to sweet talk his way through everything once she had found out but she was beyond broken, she couldn’t even comprehend the words coming out of his mouth. It didn’t help that she felt as if this was coming for a while, that this wasn’t the only time he cheated, and that out of everything in life the only thing she ever wanted from Gavin was one simple thing - love. She wanted to feel wanted, she wanted support, and she wanted a normal, crazy, blissfully happy family. He couldn’t give that to her. He was so damaged on his own and had damaged Gwen in so many ways over the years that she didn’t even know what was left to salvage of herself anymore.

Kicking him out was kind of for nothing, though, because the minute she found out she was scrambling through the kids rooms to pack them up and take them to her parents home to stay for a while. They stayed there a few days, and Gwen didn’t even come out of her room those few days. Her mother made sure to come and check on her throughout various points of the day, and when her attempts didn’t work, her mother sent her father in to try and coax her out of bed. When that didn’t work, her father called Todd to come by because normally Todd was great at pulling her out of her head, if only for a moment, but the damage was far too deep and she ignored Todd the entire time he was in the same room as her.

On day four, Gwen packed her own bag up and went downstairs for the first time. She moved into her parent’s bedroom where her mother was folding laundry on the bed. Patti was surprised, to say the least, when Gwen entered the room.

“I need a huge favor,” she said quietly, avoiding eye contact with her mother.

“Honey, of course. What do you need? I’m so happy to see you up and out of that room of yours…”

She hesitated to respond. What she was about to do was harder than anything she had ever done before. It wasn’t going to be forever, but she was exhausted and she just couldn’t take it.

“I need you and dad to keep the boys here for a while,” her voice cracked, her arms crossing as she still wasn’t looking at her mother. Patti slowly dared to walk over to her, placing her delicate hands on Gwen’s shoulders. “Don’t,” Gwen snapped, immediately pulling back and away from her touch, knowing that she was going to break if she allowed that to happen.

“But where do you think you’re going to go?” Patti asked, after the initial shock wore off of how Gwen had snapped herself away from her, probably for the first time in her entire life.

“The boys can’t be around me right now. They need love and a routine. They don’t know anything is wrong and they need to be with someone who can take care of them right now. They think coming to your house is like Disneyland, anyways,” she took a breath. “I need to be alone and I’m useless right now. I’m so useless.”

“Gwen…”

“Mom please don’t say no,” she whispered, turning to leave. “I’ll send more clothes for the boys. Please just…just tell them I had a last minute trip or something. Don’t tell them anything is wrong.”

“Gwen, are you serious? They might not know what’s going on, but those boys are smart enough to know that you’ve been locked up in that room of yours for the last three days.”

“Exactly. And we told them I was sick. It worked for now. If I stay here they’re going to figure out it’s a lie. Please mom. You’re the only one I trust with my babies right now…and they need you and dad so badly.” At that, she turned and grabbed her bag, leaving the room. It was only a few moments before she was down the stairs, in her car, and driving back to her home.

Was it really her home, though?

Everything was different when she got back to the house. It smelled different. It felt different. Everything was exactly as she had left it, but the feeling was so off. It all felt like a lie. It looked as if someone was actively living there with toys strewn all over the floor instead of a house that had been vacant for four days. Gavin was nowhere to be found, which was comforting that he hadn’t tried to come by and bust open the new locks Gwen had installed on the doors almost immediately. Her bag was discarded by the door and her feet carried her upstairs.

She was over the initial shock of being back, but their room was a different story. No, it wasn’t their room anymore - it was just her room. She inhaled a shaky breath as she stepped through the large double doors to the master suite. The duvet cover was lazily folded on the bed, evidence of someone recently sleeping there. A half empty glass of water sat on the nightstand by itself, also indicating that someone had recently been there. It was all the same, but everything else was so different. It made her sick. She didn’t bother to take whatever clothes she had on off as she gently lowered herself on the bed, finding some level of comfort in staring blankly at the wall for the rest of the afternoon until the night took over and she could no longer see what was in front of her. 

——

It was day 12 now without Gavin. It made her feel sick to her stomach knowing that she had real life obligations coming up with being on The Voice, and she had no idea if she was even going to make it in in order to fulfill her contract at that point. She was in pain. Her limbs hurt from inactivity and her stomach was digesting itself from only water, and probably not enough of it. Her mind was numb, despite how many times her parents tried to send Todd over to check on her. She was non-responsive. The only time when she glanced over and showed any emotion was the one time Todd brought Apollo to see her, and only because he would be vastly unaware of what was going on with Gwen, while the other two kids would have realized something was horribly wrong. 

Apollo had grinned at her hugely and grasped his little hands in the air begging for his momma to hold him, which of course Gwen couldn’t resist as she pulled his little body into her arms. Her muscles ached and contracted at the sudden feeling of his weight on top of her, but she didn’t care. She pulled her baby right up to her chest in a tight hug as a few tears fell down her face, her face still not giving her away. The tears were such a stark contrast to what she had portrayed thus far - a stoic, reserved, and blank expression each time he came over. It gave Todd hope that there was still a soul inhabiting her body, one that would eventually come back to the land of the living. 

Her room was a mess. Her trash can was becoming an empty pit of untouched take out containers that Todd kept bringing over and Gwen kept not touching. Every time he asked her what she wanted, she ignored him. To be frank, she ignored the majority of what he was saying to her. She could tell it was starting to annoy him, but he had so much patience with her when she couldn’t even fathom her life enough to form words and respond. Deep down, she was thankful, even though she couldn’t feel anything else.

“You’ve been in that sweatshirt since Sunday,” Todd would say. “It’s Thursday now.”

Her eyes would look over to him, slowly peeling the sweatshirt off of her body, dropping it on the floor, and retrieving a different sweatshirt from her closet and crawling back into bed. 

That was enough to keep him quiet most of the time.

“King and Zuma have been asking about you,” he would try to play the emotional kids card with her. But it usually backfired, with Gwen standing up and walking to her bedroom door, pointing out, signaling that he was more than free to leave. At first, he’d keep trying. Eventually, he gave in.

On day 15, Todd came over first thing in the morning because he knew that was the day Gwen had to go back to work at The Voice. He let himself in, and climbed the stairs. His eyes fell on Gwen laying on her stomach in her bed, eyes closed. He looked to the nightstand and saw the various pill bottles that likely were the only thing that put her in that state. Sighing, he sat gently on the bed, putting a small bag with a bagel inside on her nightstand.

“Gwen, you need to get up,” Todd said, as he gently began to move her to wake her up. “You’ve gotta go to work today."

Her eyes opened and she shifted to her other cheek on the pillow, seeing her brother giving a small, concerned smile at her in greeting. She stared at him blankly for a few minutes. Her tired expression, sunken in features, and overall appearance was just enough to do him in.

“I need you to eat this,” he said, retrieving the bagel from her nightstand and handing it over to her. She didn’t take it. She just looked at it.

“Damnit Gwen, this isn’t the time for you to ignore me. You’re going to fucking die if you keep this up and your children are going to grow up without a mother.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

Todd was shocked that he had even gotten a response out of her. She had been so good at ignoring him for the past two weeks that he had almost forgotten what it was like to hear her speak.

“What are you going to do if I don’t? You can’t even fucking manage to get out of bed,” Todd responded, quite harshly. “And it’s the damn truth. You keep this up and you’ll be in your grave. Fucking Gavin is going to get your kids because you’ll be gone and they’re never going to see our side of the family again…” The tough love approach was a risky one, but Todd had honestly had enough and had no idea what the heck else to do at this point. 

“I said SHUT THE FUCK UP!” she yelled at him suddenly, even surprising herself. She hadn’t heard her own voice in so long that it was jarring. The silence she had grown accustomed to was ripped away from her suddenly as she felt her cheeks get hot with anger as she shoved at him to get away from her. Her expression changed from blank to shaken, Todd’s expression changing from intent on getting something out of her to shocked. Todd barely flinched as Gwen shoved at him, he was strong and could withstand the weakened pressure she was directing at him. 

“Does that make you angry? Are you back from the dead now?"

After many minutes of silence, a small, delicate hand reached forward tentatively and made light contact with Todd’s wrist. Gwen’s eyes remained fixated on his arm as she did so. She gently rested it on him and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath in. It was her way of trying to show a silent apology when she didn’t have any left to give. She was so angry at him for saying such horrible things but the reality of it suddenly hit her hard. Todd watched her carefully, not daring to make a move, not daring to mess up this sudden progress he had made in getting a reaction out of her - getting anything out of her had been a miracle. 

“I’m not trying to die,” she said hoarsely, barely audible above a whisper. "I just feel dead."

“But you know you’re going to be if you don’t get ahold of yourself,” he replied delicately. He paused. Todd turned his hand gently, Gwen’s palm allowing him to move effortlessly, as he moved his other hand to take the bagel out of the small bag. Todd placed the bagel on top of the bag, and turned Gwen’s palm over and placed it in her hand. His heart was aching for her, he wanted to comfort her, but he knew that sometimes the slightest touch of caring could send her into sobs and all progress could be lost so easily. He remained patient, and focused on helping her along in a different way.

Her eyes widened at the sight of food in her hand. Her stomach turned, longing for it, but also dreading it because she knew the second she started eating it, it would make her sick as her stomach once again adjusted to the unfamiliar substance. She twitched nervously.

“Come on, now,” Todd gently encouraged her. “You don’t need to eat the whole thing, just some of it. And then you’re going to get yourself showered while I go downstairs and make you coffee. And you’re going to go to work. And you’re going to get your life back together with those three wonderful boys of yours, because Gwen, there isn’t any other option here. They need you so, so badly right now.”

The guilt was shaming her and she felt horrible. It was difficult as these rushes of emotions came flooding back to her as she had numbed everything out for so long. Her expression was changing every minute it seemed as she processed everything. She reached down and tore a small piece of the bagel and put it in her mouth. Gwen’s shoulders relaxed as she took a deep breath in, willing herself to continue. Todd let out a huge sigh of relief and with it, it seemed to cut the remaining tension in the air. 

——

“God, I remember that day,” Blake commented, as he was finding a new perspective with this being the first story that he was somewhat in her life for. “I mean, we all knew something was wrong with you that first day we all got back. I remember Adam catching a glimpse of you before you went into hair and make up and he said you looked like a ghost…”

“Well, I guess I kind of was,” Gwen responded. “It was the most movement I had seen in weeks. It was shocking, really. I ate almost the entire bagel, I got myself showered, Todd made me that coffee and the next thing I knew I was at work.”

“Oh God,” Blake said, grimacing a bit. “That was the day that I…”

Gwen giggled a bit, knowing where he was going with that. “Yeah, it was.”

Blake remembered back to that day when they had gone to break for lunch how him and Adam stuck behind, trying to figure out if they should do anything about Gwen. Adam had somehow convinced Blake that he had the more soothing voice and that he should go check on her, which he did, and failed miserably at. Blake had stopped by the catering cart and grabbed the food that was intended for Gwen before awkwardly knocking on her trailer door, and then coming in and accidentally bumping into five different things, knocking three of them over, and generally just being really bad at this ‘checking in’ thing. It had been the first time Gwen had laughed in two weeks. For that, she was thankful. 

“That was the first time I had laughed at anything in two weeks,” Gwen said, revealing to him this information for the first time. Blake looked up at her, clearly touched, as he bent forward on her to plant a deep, slow kiss on her lips.

“I’m glad I could be that person for you that day,” he said softly. It was so tender to hear, it almost hurt. 

“I slowly started eating something each day after that,” she explained, as Blake was clearly trying to recall the time as best as he could, in as much detail as he could. “It was nowhere near enough, maybe just a protein drink or a small serving of crackers with cheese, but it was something. I brought my boys back home once I had a handle on myself more. Those three require a LOT of energy, and I just didn’t have it when I was running on empty. I felt on the verge of collapse most days, and I felt like I was in hell all days.”

She paused, before continuing.

“But it was still about control. It was about controlling what I was able to control when my entire life was spinning out of control. It was the only thing I had, so it was really hard for a while.”

“How did you hide all of this from everyone?” Blake asked, almost impatiently. “I mean, Gwen, I know hair and make up can hide a lot but how did you go on for so long like this and never show your cards? It's...it's a little scary.”

“I don’t know. It’s a twisted gift. I was so torn between wanting to get help and it being the only thing I had in my life that made me happy. But it didn’t make me happy. It made me miserable. But parts of it made me happy, when I was able to control something and will it. And now I’m rambling and contradicting myself,” Gwen said, with a huff. 

Her eyes flashed up to Blake’s again, and she ran a hand through his messy curls. She felt calm with him there, even though the words coming out of her were some of the hardest she ever had to manage. 

“I mean, of course, eventually I gave in more. I started allowing myself more. And then I’d have a bad day and want nothing in me. It’s just such a roller coaster, every day is different. Some days it’s the best thing in the entire world to me and some days its literal hell. And all days with it in any capacity is tiring.”

Blake remained quiet as she kept rambling. She felt a little embarrassed when she finished, which showed easily on the red flush of her cheeks. 

“If I had known what you were going through…”

“Blake, you couldn’t have known. I’m an excellent liar when it comes to this.”

Gwen sat up a bit on the couch, bringing Blake up with her a bit as her arms snaked around his side and she crawled into his lap. Blake held her there, gently stroking a few stray blonde hairs back out of her face.

“I don’t want to have to lie anymore, though. I just want to be okay."

At those words, Blake's grip tightened around her and he couldn't help but let out his own sigh of relief.


	11. Chapter 11

August 2016

"I can't believe you'd ever even threaten something like that. Are you seriously saying these words to me right now? After all of the fucked up things that you've done?"

The tour bus was silent, besides Gwen's angry words so loud enough anyone would have been able to hear them. It was mid-morning after a show the night before and the crew had the day off before having to head out to the next venue. They were all off the bus and doing their own thing, and Gwen had only come on alone to have this conversation away from everyone else. There was something deep down in her that just told her it was going to turn ugly, and damn, she had been right about that.

"Gavin, I hate you. I fucking hate you so goddamn much," she hissed, feeling the tears falling down her face as she fought to keep her composure together as best she could. "You're so fucking jealous that I found someone who treats me amazingly and you just can't stand it and you're trying to take a swing at me in any way you can. Who does that?! Who literally has the damn time to make that much of an effort to ruin someone's life?? Here I was stupidly thinking you were done!"

At that, she hung up on him. Her hand was clutching her phone and shaking and eventually the pain just got to her and she threw it as hard as she could across the bus and just started crying. She didn't know what she was going to do. She felt a panic attack coming on as soon her breathing was getting out of control. Gwen tried to focus, force it to stop, but she couldn't stop herself from hyperventilating. 

Blake, who had a suspicion that the conversation wasn't going to go well the moment Gwen had looked at her phone to see Gavin calling her, had tagged along outside towards the bus. He had given her privacy, just standing outside in case she needed him, but when he heard Gwen's phone hit the window with such force he was immediately concerned. He let himself inside, walking up the few steps and going immediately to Gwen. He didn't think he had ever seen her this worked up or upset before and it broke his heart.

He reached his hands out to place them on her shoulders, turning her around to face him. Her cheeks were stained in tears and she was breathing abnormally. Blake immediately reached out and wiped away the tears under her eyes as she continued to try and catch her breath, hardly able to put words together to form a sentence. 

"I....can't..b.." was all that she could manage in that moment, grabbing onto one of Blake's strong arms to steady herself. Taking the cue, Blake sat on the couch next to them and pulled her to sit next to him. He held her face with his hands to force her to look at him, which was all she could do.

"Breathe," he said softly, just focusing on trying to calm her down first. "Come on, baby. Take a deep breath in and let it out...do it again...." he instructed her, as she did her best to comply, taking a few shaky breaths to get her breathing under control. "Again...deep breath in." 

She seemed to be getting slightly better, and Gwen kept her eyes locked on him the entire time. Once she was a little calmer, Blake reached out and pulled the tiny blonde into his lap, holding her head against his chest as he kissed the top of her head. Gwen reached up and wiped away new tears that had formed and gently wrapped her arms around her cowboy's torso, willing herself to calm down.

They stayed like this for at least an hour, maybe more. Blake didn't ask any questions and just let her break down on him, occasionally giving her gentle reminders to breathe as to not bring on another panic attack. Blake was pretty sure she might have dozed off at one point, but he didn't mind - it was so much better than the alternative.

Eventually, Gwen shifted a bit in his arms in order to look up at Blake. "Hi," he said gently, with a small concerned smile down at her.

"Gavin is fighting our custody arrangement," Gwen whispered hoarsely, voice cracking. A tear fell down her cheek at that moment, Blake making sure to wick it away immediately. His face fell at the realization of what she just told him.

"What...does he want?" he asked carefully, unsure if he should encourage the conversation considering how upset Gwen had just been.

Gwen didn't look on the verge of having a panic attack anymore, though. She was obviously upset, but her demeanor was stone cold. Hardened. She sat herself up in his lap and peeled herself out of his arms, walking over to the phone she had thrown with such force at the window. She bent over and scooped it up off the floor, tapping the touch screen to bring it to life and revealing a large crack down the screen that almost made the phone unusable. She tossed it on the table, frustrated. She hated having to get a new phone, but at least she could send someone out for her to take care of it. 

"Can you please text Lizzy and tell her I need her to get me a new phone and have them restore my last back up on it?" she finally said, glancing over at him.

Blake was a little taken aback, but nodded, keeping his eyes on her for a moment before reaching into his pocket and retrieving his phone to send the text. A few minutes later, Lizzy replied confirming. "She wants to know if you need anything else?" Blake asked, looking back over to her. 

Gwen shook her head in response. Blake looked back to his phone and sent a final text to Lizzy, thanking her for her help. She took a few steps further away from him and opened a cabinet, surveying the contents inside. She took a glass, and shakily set it on the counter below her.

Before she could reach out to grab one of the liquor bottles in front of her, Blake was behind her and gently pulled her arms down. "It's barely ten in the morning," he said softly, wrapping his arms around her. "And this doesn't make your problems go away. It makes your problems worse. I did a lot of that after my divorce and it took me that much longer to get out of my hell."

Gwen took a deep breath and turned around in his arms to face him, not upset at the fact that he was trying to stop her. Actually, she was more touched than anything. "You're right," she said softly. 

Blake reached above their heads and closed the liquor cabinet, and instead reached to the one next to it where he knew there were mugs and hot tea. He reached over to the hot water dispenser and filled one of the mugs up, letting the tea bag steep as he placed a hand on her cheek and a small kiss on her lips.

She didn't say anything, she just kissed him back and stayed in his arms.

She didn't have the heart to tell Blake that Gavin was trying for full custody.

\---

Eventually, she had broken down and told Blake the truth. Somehow the words came pouring out of her as her greatest fear that Gavin would really try and file for sole custody. There were other details too, which infuriated her. Something about supervised visitation, and only the possibility of seeing her boys around the holidays - what a kick in the stomach. When she had found out his 'reasons' for doing such a thing, it made her even more sick. He was trying to say between her schedule and that of her boyfriend's tour schedule, they didn't have the proper time to take care of the boys. Since Gavin didn't do a ton of touring yet and he was still shacking up with the nanny so much she practically lived with him, he was trying to paint themselves as the perfect couple to take care of the boys on a full time basis. 

Gwen remembered all of this pouring out of her that afternoon, the only thing Blake could do in the meantime was hold onto her tightly and try to soothe her as much as possible. That had been a week ago. It was the worst timing in the world for all of that to come crashing down on her as that was also the same day Blake had to leave her to handle some things with his own tour back in LA. 

That week had been horrible for her. Not only was she booked in shows almost every single night, she was shuffling herself between various appearances that sometimes weren't even in the same state she was traveling to and keeping up with her various projects outside of her solo career. They had one day off that week and while her crew was getting much deserved rest, she holed herself up in her hotel room in her misery. She couldn't face anyone. She felt nauseous. Her boys were on a long stint staying with their father which just made it all feel so much worse. God, what she would have done in that moment - if she could have gotten on a plane to go steal them away from their goddamn father she would have done it in a second. Though the headline 'Gwen Stefani storms ex Gavin Rossdale's mansion in a drunken rage trying to steal her children back from him and former nanny' would not have been the most flattering of headlines. She knew she would never do that. But it all just hurt so much. 

A soft knock at her door brought her out of her thoughts.

"Yeah?" she called out, looking over as the hotel door opened a bit. Lizzy was standing there alone, with a small smile on her face. "Can I come in, doll?"

Gwen nodded, sitting up in the bed and pulling her legs up to her chest as Lizzy smiled and walked over to sit right next to her. 

"I know you said you wanted to be alone today, but I'm really worried about you," she began, reaching out to squeeze Gwen's hand. "I know you don't have Blake or the kids here, but you still have people here that love and care about you."

"Lizzy," she said, holding onto her hand a little bit more as her face fell. She didn't mean to upset anyone else, or make them worry. "I know. And I love you too. I just feel so lost with everything that is happening and I'm just so exhausted."

"Blake is really worried about you, too"

"Blake? But he's in California...?"

"Gwen, come on, you don't think that man hasn't been blowing up my phone with texts ever since he left last week for me check on you?" 

Gwen sighed to herself and ran a hand through her hair. "Please just tell him I'm fine. He shouldn't have to worry about me like that."

"Gwen, it's your one day off this week. You're holed up in a hotel room, by yourself. There are sleeping pills and vodka on the nightstand. It's almost 4:00 and you haven't left this bed. That's not the definition of being fine," Lizzy stated, reaching an hand out to rest on Gwen's arm. "I haven't told him that. I'm keeping it vague. But I'm not going to lie, especially because I know you haven't taken his calls today and he needs to know why."

She paused a bit, before continuing. "There's also no mini fridge in this hotel and I know room service hasn't been in here today," she said, as her other hand revealed a take out container. "You need something in your stomach that isn't liquid."

Even though Gwen was a bit peeved that Lizzy had been talking to Blake about her, her eyes rested on the container in front of her. She took it from Lizzy and set it next to her, opening it to reveal something amazingly tempting - grilled cheese on sourdough. It enticed her immediately. Her thoughts flashed to the fact that she shouldn't have this, oh god no, she was on tour and this was bread and cheese and... 

She leaned back against the headboard, gave a mixed emotions look over to Lizzy, and picked up one of the sandwich halves in silence and took a few bites. A few moments later she put the sandwich back in the container, closed it, and set it on the nightstand. She took a deep breath as she seemed to suddenly remember where her control was.

"Thank you," she mumbled, moving herself down so that she was laying down again instead of sitting up. "My stomach is still in knots, though, I'll try to eat later," she promised. 

"Blake will be back tomorrow night, muffin," Lizzy reminded her, squeezing her hand. "Come on, why don't we go for a walk? There's a huge river one block over from the hotel and the waterfront is gorgeous," she suggested. Gwen scrunched her face up at the suggestion. "You're going to crash tomorrow when you play that show if you don't move around at least a little bit today," she added. Gwen knew she was right.

"Okay."

Gwen pushed the covers back off the bed and went over to the full length mirror. She was wearing athletic shorts and a tank top, both of which she was fine in. She pulled her hair over to one side and braided it back and off of her face. She pulled a zip up hoodie on over her tank top and slipped into her Nikes. A few moments later, they walked out of the hotel and Gwen pushed her sunglasses up onto her face as they headed down to the waterfront, security discreetly in tow.

She walked onto the pier, resting her arms gently on the railing as she took in the breeze. She felt a bit better instantly. "Blake told you what's happening, didn't he?"

"He did," Lizzy admitted. "It's the only reason I haven't been bothering you more today. I know you needed time to yourself to process." She could tell Gwen didn't want to talk about it, so she ended it at that. 

"Nobody else knows, right?"

"Secret is safe with us. You know that." 

Gwen nodded. She was still so tired from the day, or maybe the sleeping pill she took, that she couldn't help but yawn. She rested her chin on her hand as she continued to watch the water in front of her. "I feel a little better. Thank you, Lizzy," she said genuinely, as she felt Lizzy come up to her side and give her a hug. 

\---

Lizzy had kept Gwen out a lot longer than she had anticipated. It wasn't like it really mattered, though, because she was hardly sleeping as it was.

The first thing she did the next morning after laying awake all night was send for a large espresso drink. It wasn't a cure all, but it was the jolt she needed to get herself out of bed. The evidence of her bad day the day before was a bit startling. It looked a lot worse than she remembered it and she was almost a bit embarrassed if someone were to come in and see it like this. She screwed the cap on the almost empty vodka bottle and threw it in the trash, along with the take out container Lizzy had brought her that had gone bad overnight. She collected a few tissues that had been strewn on the nightstand and also trashed them, finally taking her anxiety medication and tucking it away in her bag. She took a breath. And drank more espresso. 

The aches on her body only reminded her of her state of non activity the day before as she stood in place and gently stretched. The drugged feeling hadn't worn off of her yet even though it never exactly knocked her out either, and she knew it would be a struggle until that happened. 

About an hour later, she was walking back onto the tour bus as they were headed to the local venue. She sat patiently in her room as the rest of the crew were loading up their belongings to leave for good, a second espresso drink cradled in her hands. Suzette came back to where Gwen was, smiling at her in greeting.

"You guys have your work cut out for you today, Suz," Gwen said a bit groggily, offering a faint smile in return. 

"Oh, stop it. You are flawless," she replied.

\------------------------------------------

Gwen was standing backstage, hovering just a few feet from the curtain as she listened for her intro and cue to take the stage. The day was a blur, it was exhausting, but she made it through just to have to muster up the energy she had lost the entire week and put on a great performance for two hours. She took a deep breath, hit her mark, and opened strong.

The show was all a blur to her. She found her stage personality early on and pushed herself hard through her energetic choreography. She faltered once as she completely messed up the lyrics to one of her songs, but laughed it off, started the song over, and handled it in the most adorable way that only Gwen knew how. Soon, she realized the intro to Just A Girl was playing and she took a deep breath and went all out for it. Gwen lost her breath at one point but quickly recovered in a few beats as if nothing had happened, and soon her final song played, she named off everyone on the stage, and she went to the front to wait for everyone to join her for the final bow. Stephen came up right next to her and pulled her in close to link arms in a chain with everyone else, and the slight jolt to her frame caused her to get lightheaded for a moment. She looked down and focused for a moment, steadying her vision as the others joined and they took their final bow.

Her crew ran backstage as she stayed out for a few minutes to sign things for the audience. She grabbed a hold of her record and signed, then kissed it leaving an imprint of her signature red lips right on the front. She signed a t-shirt, a few ticket stubs, and even took someone's phone to take a few selfies with her still on the stage. After the selfies were taken, she stood up and immediately felt weak. It felt harder to breathe than normal. She smiled and thanked the crowd as she forced herself to put one foot in front of the other to make it backstage. She didn't have a good feeling about this at all. She forced herself to take a few deep breaths. She looked up to see Blake just beyond the stage entrance, a huge grin on his face and he's cheering her on like a total dork. 

Gwen knows she is walking towards him but she doesn't feel it. It was almost like she was in a dream and watching herself do that. Blake continues clapping, his face so lit up and excited to see her again, but it starts to fall to concern as she gets closer. Gwen made it to the stage door. She took a few more steps right past Blake, and then she completely collapsed and blacked out.

\------------------------------------------

As Blake watched her walking off stage and coming towards him, the closer she got, the more his concern grew. She just looked exhausted. More than a normal post-concert tired, but that something was really wrong. Gwen was walking slow, and her breathing seemed off. The second she got to the stage door and walked right past him without even acknowledging he was there sent him over the edge in concern. He turned immediately after her, and thank god he had because the next moment Gwen had thrown her hand out to try and catch herself on the wall right before collapsing completely. Blake lunged forward and caught her from falling on the floor, bending down as his knees went to the ground and he laid Gwen right on his lap.

"Get the medics!" he yelled down the hallway in a panic, which sent everyone else into a frenzy once they realized what was going on. Within a minute, three medics were crouched down by her side, starting to get to work. One soon stood up and tried to push back the crowd that was forming around them to give them some breathing room. 

"She is severely dehydrated," one of them said, looking up to Blake. "Where is a quiet place we can take her to rest and hook up an IV?" Without saying a word, Blake shifted a bit to the side, slid his other arm under the back of her knees, and stood up with Gwen in his arms.

"Bus is right out that door," he motioned, and began walking towards it. He didn't want to take her to the change room at the venue because he knew with how much people cared about her, that would be the least private place. Once inside the bus with the medics in tow, he laid her gently on the bed and laid down right next to her without crowding the medics too much. He absolutely was not going to leave her, though.

"We'll get the doctor to come check her out," one of them said, hooking up an IV of fluids into her right arm. 

About thirty minutes later, Gwen shifted slightly as she began to wake up. Her eyes open, a bit glossed over, and the first thing she saw was Blake.

"Blake?"

He had never been this happy to see her wake up before and was so emotionally torn on what he wanted to do. He wanted to pull her so close and hug her tight but he knew that she might not be able to handle that. Instead, he kept her resting on his arm and he pulled her in a little closer to him, planting a kiss on her forehead. 

"Ms. Stefani?" someone interrupted them, which drew her attention to the doctor sitting at the bedside. It was then she felt the pain of the needle that had been pushed into her vein, and the liquid IV that was going into her body. She looked at the doctor confused. "What's going on?" she asked, looking between the doctor and Blake.

"Look right here," he directed, moving a small light between her eyes. "You collapsed coming off the stage tonight," the doctor explained. "You were severely dehydrated and the IV is putting fluids back into your body. I also, uh, talked to someone named Lizzy." The doctor stopped, looked to Blake, and then back to Gwen. She understood what he was trying to imply.

"No, it's fine, he can stay," Gwen stated, even though she was already embarrassed enough. 

"Have you been under a lot of stress lately?"

Gwen couldn't help but chuckle at the question. It was so simplistic considering everything that was actually happening.

"I see," the doctor mused. "This isn't something to laugh about. You need to take better care of yourself, especially with your work schedule. You were so dehydrated we had to put two bags of fluid into you, and one should have been plenty with your stature. Mixing drinking and sleeping pills can be a lethal combination, and top that off with the fact that you've barely been eating or sleeping, you're quite lucky this is all that happened." Gwen felt Blake tense up at the last sentence.

"Okay," was all she could manage, a little taken aback by how straightforward the doctor had spoken to her. She felt embarrassed again. She didn't relax after the doctor left her, because she knew it would only be a matter of seconds before...

"Why didn't you tell me how bad it got for you this week?"

Gwen cringed at the words, as she sat up slightly in his arm and rubbed her forehead. She felt strangely awake, they must have been shooting magic liquid into her arm or something. 

"Because your life doesn't stop just because I'm having a bad day," she responded, a bit defiantly. 

"It sounds like you've had a bad seven days," Blake corrected. "Sleeping pills with alcohol, Gwen, really? What were you thinking?" His voice was firm, but in a caring and concerned way. "When's the last time you ate? When's the last time you slept?"

"When's the last time you had someone threaten to take your entire life away from you?"

"Damnit, Gwen," he said, obviously frustrated. "I am not downplaying what is going on in your life right now. Not one bit. But baby, you're scaring the hell out of me."

She felt a tear run down her cheek as she looked up at him in shock. That was never something that had crossed her mind, and whats worse is that he actually looked really scared. 

"We are going to fight him like hell. Every single step of the way," Blake said, breaking the silence. His face moved closer to hers, resting his forehead against hers as he lightly spoke again. "I need you to trust that we are going to get through this together, and everything will be fine." Gwen nodded a bit, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to fall. 

"I'm just so exhausted," she breathed, closing her eyes. "All of this crap with Gavin is only part of it. I'm anxious all the time. My boys have been away from me during all of this and I start panicking that I won't ever see them again. And sometimes I just feel so sick and I don't know why."

"I was really hurt when you wouldn't take my phone calls," Blake admitted. "Especially when you say things like that."

"I've been a complete, broken down mess and you didn't need to hear that from me. You needed to be in LA 100% to handle your own career. I'm serious Blake. You can't just drop everything because ---"

"---but you are my family," he cut her off, refusing to let her finish that sentence. "You, Kingston, Zuma, and Apollo - you are my family and you are my number one priority. All the tours in the world be damned. End of discussion." 

"I scared myself," Gwen finally admitted, drawing closer to him in that moment. It hurt Blake to hear those words, but he was just relieved that she knew deep down that none of this was okay. "It won't happen again," she whispered. She felt so bad that she had caused this. Her eyes glanced up to him. "I'm so happy to be home with you again, cowboy."

A medic appeared briefly and checked the monitor before gently pulling the needle out of Gwen's arm once the fluid was finished. He put a bandaid on her, collected the medical equipment, and told Gwen to feel better. Once he left, Blake reached up behind him to shut off the lights, making the bedroom pitch black. Gwen yawned a bit and snuggled into Blake, soon feeling herself drift to sleep with ease. 

\--------------------

 

"Want to know the most twisted part of all of that?" Gwen asked, once she had recalled right up to the point of her falling asleep. "My first thought when I woke up after having blacked out was that I was weak. I was so weak and nowhere as good as I used to be. I was in full control for a few days and I didn't even have the strength to handle it anymore. And that was one of the most scary realizations in my life."

"Your body couldn't take it anymore. You've beat up on yourself for years, I'm surprised you were able to fight this long," he said, replying gently. 

Blake looked down at Gwen, watching her, as it felt different hearing stories that he was very much a part of. He remembered it well, it was only a few months ago, after all, but hearing it within this new context was eye-opening. He had really just chalked it up to her running herself too thin for a few days, forgetting to drink water, and ultimately passing out. But it ran much deeper than that, he was now aware, and he couldn't help but beat up on himself for not realizing it sooner.

Looking back, if he really thought hard, he knew she was a light eater. She never finished a plate and she seemed to pick at food like a bird. It should have been a sign that was right in front of his face but he didn't catch it. It was hard, though, because he knew Gwen had days where she was okay and she would eat what appeared to be a normal amount of food. But then you really didn't know if those were truly okay days, because she had admitted to getting rid of food after eating it in her past, too. Blake must have been silent for too long because soon Gwen was looking up at him from the comfort of his arms, a bit confused.

"What's wrong?" she asked, poking at him to get his attention a bit.

Blake huffed, frustrated with himself, as he just continued to hold her.

"Blake I'm serious. What's wrong? Did I say too much? I mean, this was something you remember so I don't know..."

"Gwen, it's not that at all. You could never say too much to me. I'm in awe that you've told me this much because I know it has to be hard for you to do," Blake began. "I just...I hate myself that I didn't catch onto this sooner. That you literally had to end up in a hospital bed before I saw this. That there were signs that you might not have been okay, but I shrugged it off, and it got this bad..."

"Please stop," Gwen requested. "I need you to stop blaming yourself. It's driving me crazy."

"I just care about you so much, you have no idea how much I do."

"But I do. Because I care about you to much, too. I love you, Blake."

"You need to stop wearing yourself down like this, baby," he said softly, mustering all of his strength to control his emotions and be the strong one for her. "I need you to get better. You need to get better for yourself, and your boys - this family of ours that we've suddenly found. I can't lose you."

"You're not going to lose me, Blake," Gwen said, her eyes filling with tears as she reached up and softly kissed his lips. "I'm right here. And I hear what you're saying. I...I just need you to be patient with me. Don't force anything on me. Please don't get upset with me. I just need you to be there for me and not try to manage it. I haven't had anyone else in my life like that before, maybe that's part of why this is the first time this is coming out. I mean I guess it's that and I didn't feel like I had much of anyone there for a while."

She paused, before continuing.

"It's really hard to explain, though. I know there have been times where I've said 'fuck it all' and have tried to get past this but it hasn't worked. Once you have these thoughts in your head and you live by the actions it tells you to do, this really weird thing starts to happen when it feels like another person inside of you. There's the one part of you that wants to live a normal life, and there's this black cloud of the other part of you that is constantly beating you down and convincing you to not eat, to not give in, to strive for something better, to control something when there's nothing else under your control. It feels like an old friend. One that I've never been able to get rid of. And...I know that makes it sound so crazy."

"I will do and be whatever you need me to," Blake responded. "I promise you that." His words made her heart melt.

"Come on, I need to get started on dinner, it's getting late," Blake nudged at her. "Do you want to help me cook? I know you're pretty terrible at it but we can work on that..." Gwen pushed herself up off of his lap, extended her hand out for Blake and nodded in response. Blake grinned, taking her hand and standing up, as they both walked into the kitchen. Blake stopped and turned around a little once he reached the fridge, slid his hands onto Gwen's waist and kissed her softly. His grip tightened on her as he picked her up and gently put her on the kitchen island next to the stove burners. 

"It's ladies' choice tonight..." Blake began, opening the fridge and surveying the contents. "Looks like you get to choose between Caprese pasta, veggie chili, or we could make quesadillas..."

"Your veggie chili sounds amazing," she responded, giving him another kiss as she let him go to allow him to pull the ingredients for them. Soon, Gwen hopped down and the two of them were standing side by side, chopping vegetables and lightly nudging at one another, stealing glances and smiling. Blake began filling the pot with various ingredients by memory, and of course Gwen was slow at chopping vegetables and he took advantage of such when he was done to gently wrap his arms around her waist as she continued to chop.

"There's a reason they sell these in the store pre-chopped, cowboy," she remarked, looking up to him from the side and giggling. Gwen really had zero experience making anything in the kitchen, and it was a whole new thing to her once Blake started getting her to help him out in the kitchen. Blake kissed her gently on the neck a few times as she giggled a bit again over the fact that he was tickling her. She put the knife down, turned in his arms and reached up to kiss him deeply.

"You're such a distraction, I shouldn't be allowed to hold a knife when you're around," she grinned, and Blake laughed. 

"Okay, okay, I'll leave you alone," he said, peeling his arms away from her and walking to the other side of the kitchen island. Their eyes locked a few times, a few smiles escaped and were caught by the other as she finished chopping her vegetables. 

For the first time in a long time, it felt like a weight had been lifted. She really had no idea what she did to deserve this kind and amazing man, but she knew she was going to have to hold onto him as tight as she could.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to all that went through this emotional writing journey with me. It felt right to bring it to an end on this chapter, and I hope the ending makes up for the roller coaster I put you all on. Much love, and I'll catch you guys on my other stories <3
> 
> xoelectric

One Week Ago/October 2016

Blake still remembered the day like it was yesterday. It was already an entire week that had gone by, but the shock he felt and how much Gwen had scared him had scarred him so badly, he wasn’t sure he was ever going to shake the feeling.

On a whim, he had decided to hop a plane back to LA to surprise Gwen when he had a few days of a break on his tour. He made sure to stop by the market, picking up a large bouquet of sunflowers before heading home. The thought warmed his heart as Gwen’s home really did feel like his home in LA, and that thought made him so happy. He was so excited to get to spend a few days relaxing as he felt like he had been on the road for so long.

As he pulled up to the house, the corners of his lips curved up into a smile as he saw Gwen’s Escalade parked in the driveway. He was more than content with waiting on her to get home if she was out, but it just excited him so much that he didn’t have to do that. He was ready to see her immediately. He pulled out his house key and let himself into the mansion, his eyes darting around for any sight of her. 

“Gwen?” he called out, making his way into the foyer. No answer. The acoustics were loud enough in that part of the house that his voice would have easily carried if she was upstairs, and he raised his eyebrow a bit confused.

“Gwen, baby, are you here?” he called out again, as a sudden sinking feeling came to him over the fact that she wasn’t answering. He continued to walk into the house, turned the corner into the living room and almost dropped to his knees at the sight of her in front of him. Gwen was collapsed on the floor, laying on her stomach. There was a shattered coffee mug and the scent of coffee lingering in the air right next to her. He felt his body weaken, his heart ache, and he felt as if he was going to throw up.

“GWEN!” he yelled, launching himself forward and down next to her, the bouquet of sunflowers being thrown to the side as he gently began shaking her to see if she was awake.

Her cheek was against the hardwood floor and her eyes seemed to flutter a bit in response once his hand touched her back. Blake moved her hair off of her face after feeling a glimmer of hope that she was still awake.

“Bl…” was all she could manage, the beginning of his name. Her eyes fluttered open once before shutting again, it was so quick that he even thought it was a possibility he was imagining it. His fingers went to her neck in search of a pulse, which felt dangerously low.

“FUCK!” he exclaimed, and without hesitating or thinking any longer he gently turned her onto her side, scooped her up into his arms, and bolted out the door. He desperately grabbed at the door handle to the back of his truck, gently but quickly laying her in the back. Maybe he should have just called 911, but he had to do something. He could get her there faster, and if a cop wanted to follow him for speeding, then fuck it. A moment later he was in the driver’s seat, screeching tires as he drove dangerously fast towards the hospital.

He brought her into the emergency room while screaming for anyone and everyone to help him. They opened the large double doors and he brought her into the back area where they wheeled a hospital bed up and he laid her down on top of it. A hoard of doctors then pushed their way in front of him, as they began tending to her. His hands were on his head in a panic with tears coming down both cheeks. 

“Get him out of here!” one of them shouted, as they started to push Gwen away from him and into the back.

“No!” he protested, lurching forward in an attempt to try and follow them with her, but soon two security guards grabbed him from both sides and restrained him as all he could do was watch them take her farther and farther away from him. 

About six hours later, Blake was still sitting in the emergency room waiting area, just desperate for any kind of update. It only occurred to him then that he maybe should have put calls in to her parents and Todd, at least, but he was so shaken and traumatized that he had forgotten the simple courtesies. Just as he was about to pull his phone out to make a call, he noticed someone in a white coat standing directly in front of him.

“Mr. Shelton?” he asked. Blake nodded. “Come with me, please.”

“Is she okay?” he asked immediately, worry filling his voice. The doctor remained quiet and she led him into the back, and began speaking when they were out of the waiting room.

“We’ve got her,” the doctor explained, which caused Blake to let out the most dramatic sigh of relief that even surprised him, as he was just trying to keep himself strong and not lose it again. “I’m assuming that you are her…husband?” the doctor asked in a tone that suggested he needed to say yes to that. Blake knew how this was going to go - they wouldn’t tell him anything unless he lied and said he was family.

“Yes of course, Gwen is my wife,” he said, his core shaking over how it felt for those words to come out of his mouth, but immediately replaced by worry and even some level of guilt on his part. 

“Good,” the doctor conceded. “She’s probably going to need to stay in the hospital for at least a few days while we run more tests. Her heart rate is dangerously low, she has an abnormally low body temperature, and I’m guessing her potassium and electrolyte levels are too low, too, by what we’ve seen so far.”

“I don’t understand. What would make her this sick? Can this be cured? Please…” his eyes were pleading, trying to understand.

The doctor placed a hand on Blake’s arm gently. “I think you need to talk to your wife,” she responded, before continuing. “Everything we know so far looks like a textbook case of malnutrition.”

“Malnutrition?” Blake repeated, the shock and confused look on his face.

“An eating disorder, Mr. Shelton. But…I would suggest you talk to her about it. She’s right through here, she woke up about ten minutes ago.”

His face was in shock as he let the doctor lead him to the room she was in. He still had tears flowing down his cheeks as he caught the first sight of her, various needles coming out of her arm and three or four blankets wrapped around her. The sound of his boots coming into the room caused her to open her eyes and look over to him standing in the doorway.

“Hi,” she said quietly, her eyes focused on him as she waited for some kind of reaction. 

Blake took a few steps forward and moved to the side of her bed, sitting down inches way from her as he didn’t feel he had the strength to stand anymore. The tears were swelling up in his eyes again, as Gwen closed her eyes and looked down.

“I don’t want you to see me like this,” she said, embarrassed, as she tugged at the blankets around her tighter.

He didn’t have any words. Careful not to hurt her, all he could do was move his body forward, holding her on both sides as he laid his head down on her chest and willed himself to stay strong. She didn’t need to see him cry. But, even though her words implied that she didn’t want him here, her hands softly rested on his back and clung to him tightly, telling him that she needed him more than ever.

———  
Late November 2016

She was physically incapable of restraining herself. 

It had just been so long since she was able to hold onto the one person in her life who meant the absolute world to her, and she felt so deprived of his touch and comfort. After she spent a few days at home with Blake following her hospital stay, the two of them had spent a lot of time talking through everything and he ultimately suggested that maybe what she needed to do was to go to an inpatient treatment center for a while to try and start the healing process. Being at home still had its challenges, and even though she was trying her best, there were still some days that she struggled and was left feeling unsure of how to cope. 

She hated the idea. She was scared. And once she agreed and was in the midst of her stay, she regretted it so badly on so many levels. She spent so many nights in tears, just wanting to be home with her cowboy and her kids. The center was gorgeous, overlooked the beach and had so many different amenities and caring people, but she didn’t care. She just missed everyone and even though she physically began feeling better, she was so mentally drained from the entire experience. 

Gwen knew she must have looked better as the second she turned the corner with her bags, Blake’s face lit up and he just looked so relieved in addition to being happy. His arms went around her instantly as a tear ran down her cheek. Eventually, he took her bags off of her and had walked to the car, hand in hand. She watched him climb into the driver’s seat and immediately, his hand reached over to rest and cling onto his leg. Blake held one of his hands over hers as they drove in mostly silence, eventually pulling into the long driveway.

“The boys were fantastic, by the way,” Blake mentioned. “Gavin took them a few days ago so I could be here to get things ready for you to come home, and we can get you settled in a bit before all of the chaos begins again.”

“I want to see them tomorrow,” she said, taking a breath in.

“Okay, we can do that,” Blake promised, giving a small smile as he pulled the key out of the ignition and retrieved her bags from the back. Gwen stayed in the front seat, and a few moments later, Blake had come to her side and opened the car door for her.

“Is it weird to be back here?” he asked, trying to keep the mood light, but also trying to figure out what she was thinking. 

“I’m okay,” she responded genuinely, the two of them walking into their home. Blake dropped her bags next to the door, and a second later Gwen turned and wrapped her arms around his waist, burying her head into his chest.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” he asked, holding her a little. Gwen pulled her face up to look at him, a few tears in her eyes. 

“I’m just overwhelmed. It has literally been hell without seeing you this entire time and I just…I can’t get over the fact that you’re still here. And we’re home. I’m finally home.”

He brought his hand up and rested it gently on her cheek before leaning in to kiss her softly. It felt like oxygen to her. She was so content, and she never wanted to let this feeling go. She broke the kiss off and pulled her head back just a little bit, locking eyes and just quietly staring at him.

“What are you thinking about, sweetheart?” his hand brushed a few strands of hair off of her face as he maintained his gaze on her. He had to admit, the feeling of Gwen in his arms back in their home was intoxicating. 

“I’m too tired to do things the way that I’ve always done them,” she began, getting a little nervous and embarrassed, and soon breaking eye contact and clinging back onto him around his waist. She had come to this realization the week prior and she carefully began planning this moment, and now it was finally here, and finally time to say the words aloud. Blake rubbed her back gently, as if encouraging her to continue when she felt ready.

“I know now that I can’t associate my weight as a contingency of someone to love me. And I know that I can’t keep using this as a coping mechanism when I get upset and overwhelmed and I feel out of control. This is upsetting me so much right now to say these things, it feels like I’m doing something wrong, but I know that I’m not and it’s just the sickness talking. I’m going to struggle so much, I already have, and I’m sorry. Because I’m so scared I’m going to fail. And I’m so scared that I can’t get better.”

“Don’t think about it like that,” Blake said, taking a breath in as he was trying to process her words. It was all he ever wanted to hear and so, so much more. “Think about it as being one day at a time, with me right by your side the entire time. You’re not in this alone anymore, Gwen. You have me.”

Now she was definitely choked up as her heart melted, and she let out a few sobs. They were happy sobs, of course, she was just so overwhelmed with the feeling of being home and how lucky she was to have someone like Blake in her life.

“I’m serious, Blake, this is still going to be really hard.”

“I’m serious, too, Gwen. And we’re going to get through this together."


End file.
